Ron White: SO, I MENTIONED
SLUGGO EARLIER.
THAT'S WHO?
Audience: THE DOG.
Ron White: GOOD, CLASS.
(LAUGHTER)
HE'S A GREAT DOG.
I LOVE MY DOG.
HE'S AN ENGLISH BULLDOG.
"SLUGGO, THAT'S MY NAME.
DON'T (BLEEP) WITH ME."
(LAUGHTER)
YOU KNOW WHAT I DO TO HIM WHEN
HE'S ASLEEP?
I LIFT UP THOSE BIG-OLD,
HUGE BULLDOG JOWLS AND I HIDE
M&M'S AND (BLEEP) IN THERE.
(LAUGHTER)
HE WAKES UP IN THE MORNING
WITH (SMACK), "IT'S GONNA BE
A GOOD DAY, TATER."
HE CALLS ME TATER.
(LAUGHTER)
HE'S A GREAT DOG.
HE'S SICK RIGHT NOW, WHICH IS
A PAIN IN THE BUTT.
'CAUSE IF HE GETS SICK, YOU
CAN'T JUST FEED HIM MEDICINE,
HE'LL SPIT IT OUT.
YOU GOTTA HIDE IT IN A PIECE
OF CHEESE OR SOMETHING.
AND I STUD HIM OUT LAST YEAR
FOR PICK OF THE LITTER.
AND I PUT HIM WITH A FEMALE DOG
FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS 'CAUSE
EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, YOU JUST
FEEL LIKE GETTIN' YOUR DOG LAID,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
YOU KNOW HE HADN'T BEEN LAID,
HE'S BEEN IN THE BACKYARD
FOR TWO YEARS SHAKIN'.
"DO YOU KNOW SOMEBODY, TATER,
OR SOMEBODY YOU COULD CALL?
(LAUGHTER)
COULD YOU THROW A POODLE OVER
THE FENCE, BUDDY, I'M TURNING
BLUE BACK HERE."
AND THEN TO MAKE SURE IT TOOK,
I TOOK HIM DOWN TO THE
VETERINARIAN'S OFFICE AND HAD
ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION DONE
TWICE.
NOW, FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT DON'T
KNOW, THAT'S WHERE THEY OBTAIN
THE SEMEN FROM SLUGGO AND PUT IT
IN THE FEMALE DOG.
AND NOW, IT'S PRETTY EASY TO GET
OLD SLUGGO TO GO TO THE VET.
(LAUGHTER)
HE LOVES THE PLACE.
(LAUGHTER)
YOU SAY SOMETHIN' AROUND
MY HOUSE THAT SOUNDS LIKE
VET SLUGGO'S HUMPIN' AIR.
I WENT DOWN THERE.
THE VETERINARIAN HAD
THE AUDACITY TO SAY TO ME,
"MR. WHITE, IF YOU'LL JUST
COME ON BACK HERE, WE'LL SHOW
YOU HOW TO DO THIS AND
NEXT TIME, YOU DON'T HAVE
TO BRING IN THE DOG, YOU CAN
JUST BRING IN THE SEMEN."
THAT'S OKAY.
YOU GO AHEAD AND JACK OFF
THE DOG.
HE FOLLOWS ME AROUND TOO MUCH
AS IT IS.
(LAUGHTER)
LIKE I'M GONNA SPEND THE REST
OF MY LIFE WITH THIS BULLDOG.
"JACK ME OFF!"
"GET OUT OF HERE, WE GOT
COMPANY."
"YOU DID IT THE OTHER DAY!"
"DO IT YOURSELF!"
"I DON'T HAVE ANY THUMBS!"
(LAUGHTER)
THANKS FOR PLAYIN' ALONG.
I HOPE YOU ENJOYED IT,
GOOD NIGHT.
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...
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