EMCEE: Ladies andgentlemen, Nikki Glaser.
NIKKI GLASER: The firstjokes I told onstage
in front of people, I put inmy set tonight, last minute.
We'll see if it makesthe cut, but it's-- I
don't want to get pregnant.
I don't want to be pregnant.
Stop-- I'm not oldenough or mature enough
to handle an abortion.
I just think that I wouldgiggle the whole time, you know?
My first jokes were attemptingto be Sarah Silverman as much
as I could, and uh, so that onewas clearly inspired by her.
All of us, we're all here rightnow, like living right now,
because some dude oncewent, like, brrrahhh!
Isn't that weird?
Have you everthought about that?
You know, when you're-- in thebeginning when you first start
out, you're trying so hard andyou're putting so much energy
into writing jokes that someof them are really great.
'Cause you didn't have anything.
You had to fill that hole.
So um-- [snorts]
I'm not-- I'm not racist.
That's not it.
I'm actually oneof these people,
like, I hate the N-wordwho lives in my building.
I think he's a jerk.
The first time I reallybombed, it was a bar show,
and they weren't having it.
They didn't like me.
I forgot my jokes, to the pointwhere I had to run offstage
kind of in themiddle of it, crying,
and I remember just sitting outin the parking lot on a stump
and calling my parents,and being like, I can't.
Why did I choose to do this?
I was like, four months in.
I could have quit.
I don't know why.
Because I knew, evenat that point, that I
was locked in for life.
So I think I was like, thisis gonna be the hardest!
For a while, I waslike, I'll keep
my number down ifI don't have sex.
I'll just doeverything except sex.
All but sex.
All butt sex.
And that's all I didfor about a month.
By the way, my parents, they'regoing to be here tonight.
I kind of have toimagine that they're not.
Because honestly, before I camehere tonight, I was thinking,
I'm never going to get married.
Because no man's-- maybe aguy will be OK with the filth
I'm about to sling up there, buthis mother is not going to be.
And this is going to existon-- in, like, forever.
I mean, this is stuff I'vebeen saying in comedy clubs
to groups of, like,200 people at a time.
So you kind of feel safe,like it's not gonna get out.
But this is out there.
And do I want everyoneto hear that I
used to get titty-fucked?
I don't know.
Don't recommend it.
As a comic, I useTwitter as an open mic,
I think, just to kind ofthrow out ideas, one-liners.
It's great, becausenow-- you know,
you can tell ifsomething's funny
or not by gettingretweets and faves.
So I don't have to goto a shitty open mic
and have peoplejust staring at me.
Not to say that new comicsshouldn't go to open mics.
But I don't have to anymore.
Thank you guys very much.
I'm Nikki Glaser.