Paul F. Tompkins - New Yorkers

Tompkins, Kroll, Krug, Haines, Rivera, Kilpatrick, Nanjiani Season 4, Ep 0407 12/04/2009 Views: 6,046

You know what the number one topic of conversation among New Yorkers is? New York. (2:10)

is New Yorkers.

And you know what the number onetopic of conversation

amongst New Yorkers is?

New York.

People just like to sit around

and talk about how great it is.

"Hey, you want to get togetherfor some coffee?

"We'll do some New York talk.

"It's gonna be great.

As usual."


I love New Yorkers when theyfind themselves confronted

with the idea that, uh,

you would ever go outside ofNew York, 'cause they can't...

understand this at all.

Like, they don't understand

that there's a restof the world, right?

"What? Hold on a second.

"You're telling methat some people,

"they liketo go outside the confines

"of the cityin which they were born

"currently live,and will eventually die?

"It makes no sense.

(imitating robot):"Does not compute. Beep. Boop.


"I was being a robot for fun.

"You got everything you needin New York.

"Why would you ever goanywhere else?

"Travel. It's stupid.

"Why would I ever go to China?

"We got Chinatown.

"I get it-- Chinese people.

"Is there more to itI'm missing?

"I doubt it.

"Why would I ever wantto go to Big Italy?

"We finally got Italydown to a manageable size.


(stammering):"I'll go to some

"giant-sized Italy that somebody

"has pointed the oppositeof a shrink ray at?

"I'm sure there'sa technical term.

"I'm not good with rays.

"What, I'm supposed to goover there

"and get trampledby some Italian giant?

"He doesn't seeI'm a regular-sized person

"from Little Italy?

"Hey, you know what?

"You want to go over to Italy,get trampled by Italian giant,

"hey, God love you,do what you want,

but, uh, count me out."