Let's go tothe big announcement video.
Let's play it.
Thank you all so muchfor coming here today.
This is a gigantic dayin my life, obviously.
My first press conference.I'm real excited about it.
And we're having thisto announce that as of today
I am officially retiringfrom the NFL.
Although I love Jim Irsay
and the Indianapolis Coltsorganization,
I want to turn my focus tomaking the world a happier place
with more laughs
as opposed to just kickinga ball on fourth downs
every once in a while.
It's a glorious day.I'm real excited.
And we'll open it upfor questions.
Uh, Adam Vinatieri. Yeah?
Who's gonna hold my ballsfor me?
That's a really good question.
Just like in everythingin the NFL,
there's turnover, you know?It's the business.
And they'll find a younger,more attractive me,
a better me to hold your ballsstraight out of college.
You'll love him.It'll be great.
You're the best person who'sever held my balls for me.
I take thatas a gigantic compliment.
-Uh...-Was it something I did?
No, no! I don't want youto think that at all.
I know that, you know, you'rethe GOAT and all these things.
And there's probablysome insecurities right now
But it wasn't you, man.It's me.
Any other questions?Uh, yeah, Greg Olsen.
Uh, just to clarify.
I've been to manypress conferences in my day.
There is zero press here.
Are we just clarifyingthat this is just a conference?
Or what exactlyis going on today?
Ooh, Greg, thank you for tryingto ruin the whole day.
But this is a press conference.I'm answering questions.
There's a goddamn podiumright here.
And I got a microphone.And --
Ian Rapoport, NFL Network, huh?
Go [bleep] yourself,Greg Olsen.
Great to see you, Ian.
I thought this was theRoger Goodell presser, so...
Okay.Get the [bleep] out.
Uh, any other questions?
Just, again, to clarify,
are we back to justconsidering this a conference?
Are we still going tohang on the press?
What exactly are we --Moving forward, how are we --
Okay, let's go onwith this press conference.
I'm -- This is ridiculous.I'm gone. This is absurd.
Um, I think the pointhas been proven here.
I'm retiring from the NFL,
going intothe entertainment industry.
Thank you, all,so much for coming.
This is a great day, even thoughGreg Olsen tried to ruin it.
So thank you, all,so much for coming.
But, Pat,where are you going?
I'm joining the most powerfulforce in entertainment media.
And I can't wait to be afull-time staff member of Bar--
[ Scoffs ]Barstool Sports.
Kevin Clancy,Barstool, New York.
Are you aware just how badof a [bleep] idea this is?
Leaving a million-dollarcareer in sports
to come blog for thisstupid-ass company?
Yep. Yep.Next question.
All right.Let's bring him out.
Let's bring out Pat.Get him out.
-Make noise.-Let's go!
[ Cheers and applause ]
There he is.
Nice, guys! Nice!Nice, guys!
What's going on?By the way, clock man --
[ Laughter ]