- It's good to be herein Boston.
[cheers and applause]Oh, I love Bo--This is a--
Boston's a tough city, right?
It's like, Boston!
I love the Boston energy.
And you guys,all of New England,
you guys love your seafood,
and it's just disgusting.
I was vacationingon Cape Cod because I'm white.
I was at thisseafood restaurant, right?
And this guy came overto our table.
Wasn't even our waiter.He came over to the table.
He was like,"Hey, I couldn't help--"
I don't know how to dothe Boston accent.
"You're not eating lobster.
Is there a reason whyyou're not eating lob-stah?"
And I was like, "Uh, I thoughtI'd order what I want.
I wasn't reallyin the mood for bug meat."
Because that'swhat shellfish are.
They're just creepy-crawly,giant insects
on the bottom of the ocean.
You know fishare swimming around like,
"We got to get an exterminatorup in this piece."
They're bugs.They have a shell like a bug.
They have spindly legsand crawl around like a bug.
They have antennaelike a monster.
They're probably monsters.
Like, if you went home and yousaw a chicken in your house,
you'd be like, "What the hell'sa chicken doing in my house?"
But if you saw a lobster,you'd be like, "We're moving."
Because there's nota nickel's worth of difference
between a lobsterand a giant scorpion.
Now, I understand everyoneloves lobster, "I love lobster."
Hey, I like butter too, okay?
How can I eatthree sticks of butter?
Well, I found this giant,swimming sea scorpion.
It's just a spoonful of butterhelps the bug meat go down.
In the most delightful way.
Is that the areanear the butt? Mmm.
That's what I want,a little turf and bug butt.
Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.
How about those restaurants
where you have to pick outyour own lobster?
You're like,"I guess I'll take that one
"that's really strugglingwith the rubber bands.
He seems appealing.Why don't we boil him to death?"
Why am I involvedin this decision?
But the Northeast?It's all shellfish.
Maryland with the crab.
Isn't it kind of a red flagyou need a hammer to eat a crab?
Oh, you're having the crab?
Let me get you some tools,so you can crack open
that bug shell and getthat half a bite of bug meat.
Crab, it's too much work.
They're like the pistachioof seafood.
And there's that nasty partof the crab
you're not supposed to eat.
I think it's calledall of it!
'Cause they're crabs,
as in the sexuallytransmitted disease.
That has the same name becauseit's the exact same thing!
They're just the baby versionof the dinner crab.
You know God'sup in Heaven going,
"What do I got to do to stopthem from eating the crabs?
"I gave it a rock-hard shell.
"I put it on the bottomof the ocean.
"I named a disease after it.
Jesus, you're gonna haveto go back down there."
I don't even know how people
order crabswith a straight face.
"Yeah, my wife and I--You know what?
"I'll get crabs,and I'll give her some.
Don't tell her.I want it to be a surprise."
Even the crabas a creature is creepy.
It always looks like it's tryingto avoid an awkward situation.
"Is that--Oh, I owe that guy money. Crap."
Clams and oysters.
How did we evenstart eating those?
"Hey, I found a rockwith a snot in it.
I was thinking of eating it."
"What's it taste like?""Pneumonia."
Oysters on the half shell.
As opposed to what,in a Kleenex?
Even the way you'resupposed to eat an oyster--
Squeeze some lemon,a little hot sauce,
throw it down the back of yourthroat, take a shot of vodka,
and try and forgetyou ate a snot from a rock.
That's nothow you eat something.
That's how you overdoseon sleeping pills.