Christopher Titus - Bring on Armageddon

Christopher Titus: Angry Pursuit of Happiness Season 1, Ep 101 05/09/2015 Views: 6,456

Christopher Titus decides which people should be sacrificed first during the impending Armageddon. (2:23)

Armageddon's coming.

They've been talking about itsince the beginning of time.

Well, I say, bring it on,because some of us need to go.

[laughter]

Do you know who I'm pissed atmore than anybody right now?

The Mayans.

I'm sorry.

World was supposed toend December 21st, 2012.

I didn't buy anybodyChristmas presents.

I look like a dick.

[laughter]

Do you know how much driedfood I own right now?

I have four months of dryfood for three people.

And you can't just snackon it during the playoffs,

because what ifArmageddon happens?

Then you screwed the box all up.

You get to the endafter Armageddon,

you've got to eatone of the kids.

And which kid do you eat?

The big one thatfeeds more people?

The little one whomakes a better sauce?

What do you do?

[laughter]

Aren't you guys preppers?

If you have not decidedwhich child you're going

to eat first afterArmageddon, you

cannot call yourself a prepper.

[laughter]

I spray painted mine 1 and 2.

Kids, what are you guys doing,playing soccer in the backyard?

Get in here, andplay video games.

Don't get tough.

[laughter]

So because the Mayansscrewed it up, because how

could a 5,000 year old deadsociety that wore loin cloths

and threw teenagersinto volcanoes

possibly have missedthe Armageddon date?

I think we need tolegislate Armageddon day.

Here's my pitch.

For the next sevenyears, five days

a month, we have Armageddon day.

No rules whatsoever.

Total anarchy, like whenDetroit wins a championship.

[laughter]

That's right.

Just bullets and fire man.

And the people thatdon't have their heads

on swivels that aren'tpaying attention

will get taken out as well.

They should.

So who do I think isthe first group should

be taken out on Armageddon day?

Level one person?

Anybody who wearspajamas in public.

[cheering]

Now, that, that isn't the actualproblem that you're wearing

pajamas.

But you made that decision.

You're going to get usall killed in Armageddon.

If you have the balls to wearSpongebob flannel pajamas

in the mall, you needto climb into the wood

chipper on your own.

[cheering]