Tom Segura - I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant

  • Season 15 , Ep 1
  • 01/11/2011
  • Views: 25,613

Exactly how many people need to be in there before you realize somebody's in there? (3:47)

- LUCKILY FOR ME,

THERE WAS ANOTHER SHOWON AFTER THAT LOTTERY SHOW.

THIS ONE WAS CALLED,"I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS PREGNANT."

[audience laughing]

YEAH.

I SAW THAT SHOW,AND I WAS LIKE,

"I DIDN'T KNOW YOUR VAGINAWAS YANKEE STADIUM."

[audience laughing]

EXACTLY HOW MANY PEOPLENEED TO BE IN THERE,

BEFORE YOU REALIZESOMEBODY'S IN THERE.

[audience laughing]

YOU KNOW?

LIKE...

THE SHOW, IF YOU HAVEN'TSEEN IT, IT'S NOT, LIKE,

"OH, I MISSED MY PERIOD.

"TURNS OUT,I'M SIX WEEKS PREGNANT."

THAT'S NOT THE SHOW.

THE SHOW IS,"OH, I MISSED MY PERIOD.

"HEY, WHAT'S THAT?

"THAT'S A BABYCOMING OUT OF ME."

[audience laughing]

NOW, HERE'S SOMETHING YOUSHOULD KNOW ABOUT THE SHOW.

EVERY WOMAN ON THE SHOWIS MEXICAN, OKAY?

THEY'RE ALL MEXICAN,SO YOU KNOW

THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIMETHAT THEY'VE BEEN PREGNANT.

[audience laughing]

SERIOUSLY?

WE'RE GONNA PLAYTHAT GAME, RIGHT NOW?

MEXICANS DON'THAVE BABIES?

I GUESS BLACK GUYSRAISE THEIR KIDS

AND PUERTO RICANS WON'TSTAB YOU IN BROAD DAYLIGHT.

OKAY, COOL.

[audience laughing]

WHAT GAME ARE WEPLAYING, RIGHT NOW?

"THE REAL WORLDISN'T REAL GAME?"

YOU WANNAPLAY THAT GAME?

[audience laughing]

WELL, HERE'S MY QUESTIONFOR ALL THE SENORITAS

THAT DON'T KNOW THAT THERE'SA BABY INSIDE OF YOU.

[audience laughing]

DID YOU FORGETALL OF THE SYMPTOMS?

YOU PUT ON 60 POUNDS.

[audience laughing]

YOU THINK THAT'SFROM ALL THE CHURROS

THAT YOU'VEBEEN EATING?

[audience laughing]

YOU HAVE A BUBBLE BELLY,SWOLLEN FEET--

WHAT ABOUT THE KICKING,RIGHT, LADIES?

THE KICKING, WOULDN'TTHAT GIVE IT UP?

"HEY, PUT YOURHAND RIGHT HERE.

"WHAT'S THAT FEELLIKE TO YOU?"

"UH, IT FEELS LIKE YOUHAVE A BABY INSIDE OF YOU."

"NO, I JUST GOTTA FART.

[audience laughing]

"I GOTTA FART REAL BAD."

AND THEN THEY GETTO THE QUESTION

THAT YOU'RE DYINGTO ASK, WHICH IS,

"WELL, WHEN DID YOUKNOW YOU WERE PREGNANT?"

AND THEY ALLANSWER THE SAME WAY.

"WELL, ONE DAY,I WAS WALKING AROUND,

"AND I WAS LIKE, 'WHOA--I GOTTA TAKE A [deleted].'

"BUT THEN, WHENI WENT TO [deleted],

"IT WASN'T A [deleted].

[audience laughing]

"IT WAS A BABY."

SO YOU'RE LIKE,"OKAY, HEMMINGWAY,

"I SEE WHATYOU'RE SAYING,

[audience laughing]

BUT IT DOESBEG THE QUESTION,

"IF WHAT YOU THOUGHTWAS GONNA BE A [deleted]

"TURNS OUT TO BE A BABY,

"WHAT KINDS OF [deleted]ARE YOU NORMALLY TAKING?"

[audience laughing]

LIKE, I'M A BIG DUDE.

I'VE TAKEN SOMEMEAN DUMPS IN MY LIFE.

I'VE NEVER HAD A SEVEN POUND,FIVE OUNCE [deleted].

IF I DID, I WOULD RE-EVALUATEEVERYTHING IN MY LIFE...

[audience laughing]

PHYSICALLY,PSYCHOLOGICALLY, SPIRITUALLY,

I'M MAKIN' CHANGES,AND SO SHOULD YOU, MARISOL.

[audience laughing]

[applause]

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