Rob Riggle - Magic Tale of the Double Down Beer

  • Season 14 , Ep 5
  • 01/11/2010
  • Views: 37,383

Rob Riggle tells the tale that was recanted from moron to moron on a plane to Las Vegas. (4:18)

COMES UP,

AND SHE GOES, "UH, CAN I GET YOUSOMETHING TO DRINK?"

TO THE GUY SITTINGRIGHT NEXT TO ME.

AND THIS IS WHAT UNFOLDED.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND IT HAUNTS ME TO THIS DAY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HE GOES [Long Island accent]"YEAH, YEAH, UH, GIVE ME A BEER.

"NO, WAIT.

"GIVE ME TWO BEERS.

I'M GONNA DOUBLE-DOWN."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

AH.

"STEVIE?" "WHAT?"

"DID YOU HEAR WHAT I JUST SAID?""NO, WHAT'D YOU JUST SAY?"

"LADY WAS LIKE,'YOU WANT SOMETHING TO DRINK?'

"I SAID, 'YEAH, GIVE ME A BEER.'

"THEN, I SAID,NO, I DIDN'T WANT THAT BEER.

I SAID, 'GIVE ME TWO BEERS.I'M GONNA DOUBLE-DOWN!'"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"NO WAY!

"YOU FREAKIN' SAID THAT?!

"OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!

GINA, GINA, GINA!""WHAT?"

"GUESS WHAT TOMMY DID!GUESS WHAT TOMMY DID!"

"WHAT?WHAT'D TOMMY DO?

WHAT'D HE DO NOW?WHAT'D HE DO NOW?"

"LADY WAS LIKE, 'DO YOU WANTSOMETHING TO DRINK?'

"HE SAID, 'GIVE ME TWO BEERS.'"

"NO, IT WASN'T LIKE THAT.I SAID, 'I'M GONNA HAVE A BEER.'

"THEN I SAIDI DIDN'T WANT THAT BEER.

"I SAID, 'GIVE ME TWO BEERS.I WANT TO DOUBLE-DOWN!'"

"SORRY, SORRY, SORRY, TOMMY.HE SAID, GIVE HIM A BEER.

"THEN HE SAID HE DIDN'T WANTTHAT BEER.

HE SAID, GET TWO BEERS.HE WAS GONNA DOUBLE-DOWN!"

[ Normal voice ] THIS GOTRECANTED FROM EVERY MORON

TO EVERY OTHER MORONON THE PLANE.

IT WOULDN'T STOP.

AND I-I WAS --EVERYBODY JUST HAD TO RECOUNT

THE MAGIC TALEOF THE DOUBLE-DOWN BEER.

I WAS -- I WAS LOSING MY MIND.

I COULDN'T BELIEVE THIS WASHAPPENING, AND I WAS PANICKING.

I WAS --I WAS LIKE [WHIMPERING]

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND LITERALLY EVERY FIBERIN MY BODY IS LIKE,

"JUST BE A MAN, BE A MAN,BE A MAN!"

I WAS LIKE --I WANTED TO SIT UP AND GO,

"NO MORE TALKING!YOU'RE ALL STUPID! SHUT UP!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT I COULDN'T DO IT,'CAUSE I'M A GIANT WUSS.

SO, HAND TO GOD, THIS IS WHATI DID, 'CAUSE I WAS PANICKING.

I STAYED ASLEEP.

AND I SCREAMEDAT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS

AND VIOLENTLY SMASHED MY HEADAGAINST THE WINDOW.

THIS IS WHAT IT LOOKED LIKE.

AAAAAH!

AND THEN I DIDN'T WAKE UP.I DIDN'T WAKE UP.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ LAUGHS ]

AND IT WORKED.

IT WORKED.

FOR LIKE FIVE BEAUTIFUL,GLORIOUS SECONDS,

THERE WAS SILENCE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ LAUGHS ]

SO -- SO, ABOUT --

YOU KNOW, WE FINALLY TAKE OFF.

WE'RE ABOUT LIKE THREE HOURSINTO THE FLIGHT.

WE'RE OVER NEBRASKAOR SOMETHING.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE.

AND I DO THE OLD, YOU KNOW,"IS IS SAFE?"

I'M LIKE...

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND IT WAS, BECAUSE THEY WEREALL PASSED OUT, DRUNK.

IMAGINE THAT.

SO, THEY'RE ALL PASSED OUT,

AND THEY GOT THEIR HANDSON THEIR JUNK.

AND THEY'RE SNORING LIKE"THE EXORCIST."

THEY'RE LIKE [GRUNTING LOUDLY]

ALL OF THEM! ALL OF THEM!

SO I'M LIKE,"I GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE."

SO I UNBUCKLE, AND I STEP UP.

AND I'M HUMPING THE SEATSIN FRONT OF ME...

TRYING NOT TO WAKE THEMAS I MOVE OUT TO THE AISLE.

AND I GOT ABOUT HALFWAY...

AND I SAID, "YOU KNOW WHAT?

SCREW THESE GUYS."

SO I GAVE THEM WHAT I LIKETO CALL A WENDY'S NUMBER 2...

RUM-AND-COKE SPECIAL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND I JUST PAINTED THEM UP...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...WITH EVERYTHING I HAD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I HELD NOTHING BACK.

BOTH BARRELS.

I LET THEM HAVE ALL OF IT --ALL OF IT.

I LEFT IT ALL ON THE FIELD,

TO THE POINT WHERE I WASACTUALLY A LITTLE LIGHT-HEADED.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THEN I GOT TO THE AISLE...

AND I-I SHOOK WHAT WAS LEFTFROM MY DENIMS...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...AND I HEARD A GLORIOUS SOUND.

I HEARD TOMMY GOING

[GRUNTING, COUGHING]

YES, TOMMY!

SAVOR MY FLAVOR!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

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