Christopher Titus - Terri Schiavo

Season 1 , Ep 101 03/17/07 Views: 8,085

If he's ever brain dead, Christopher Titus doesn't want to go out painfully -- he wants to go out spectacularly. (2:20)

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AND EVERY TIME THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING STUPID.

THE TERRY SCHIAVO THING WAS NUTS AND IT WAS ON TV

FOR 14 YEARS OR WHATEVER HOW LONG.

AND MY DAUGHTER TURNS TO ME IN THE MIDDLE OF IT AND SHE GOES,

"DADDY, WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS WOMAN?"

"WELL, HONEY, SHE'S BRAIN DEAD.HER BRAIN DOESN'T WORK ANYMORE."

"YOU MEAN LIKE UNCLE RUDY?"NO, UNCLE RUDY'S ON THORAZINE...

AND PAXIL...

AND MARIJUANA AND MERLOT."

I'M SO GLAD OUR GOVERNMENT HAS FINALLY DECIDED TO GET

DIRECTLY INVOLVEDIN OUR FAMILY BUSINESS.

AND THE TERRY SCHIAVO THING PISSED ME OFF 'CAUSE IT WAS

PREDICATED ON ONE THING, THERE WASN'T ENOUGH WITNESSES

TO WHAT TERRY WANTED.

SO, AS MY 300 WITNESSES TONIGHT, LET'S BE VERY CLEAR.

IF I AM EVER BRAIN DEAD, KILL TITUS.

IF I CANNOT CONTROL THE FLUIDS SPEWING OUT OF MY OWN ORIFICES,

PLEASE KILL TITUS.IF I'M NOT AWARE ENOUGH

TO PICK WHICH DIAPERS I WOULD LIKE TO BE CHANGED INTO

FOR GOD'S SAKES KILL TITUS, UNLESS, I'M REALLY FUNNY.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HONESTLY, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

IF I'M LYING THERE...

[GOOFY NOISES]

AND YOU GUYS ENJOY THATGOD BLESS YOU.

FILM A MOVIE, DRESS ME AS A VIKING, I DON'T CARE.

AND YOU KNOW WHY I DON'T CARE, 'CAUSE I'M BRAIN DEAD!

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEN WHEN YOU'RE DONE LAUGHING AT ME, KILL TITUS.

AND DON'T LET ME DIE SLOW AND HORRIBLE

BY PULLING MY FEEDING TUBE.I WANT YOU GUYS

TO DUCT-TAPE MY ASS TO A MOTORCYCLE AND LET'S BREAK

EVEL KNIEVEL'S JUMP RECORD. THAT'S RIGHT.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

I WANT TO GO OUT BIG. I WANNA BE BRAIN DEAD

OVER THE SNAKE RIVER CANYON. RING, RING, ARR, RARR, RARR!

[LAUGHTER]

AND PLEASE FILM IT SO MY FAMILYCAN MAKE SOME MONEY OFF THE DVD.

WHICH I WOULD LIKE TO BE CALLED KILL TITUS,

"WITH 30-MINUTES OF BONUS FOOTAGE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MADE YOU GIGGLE LIKE A GIRL, DUDE.

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