Patton Oswalt - 50th Street Grime Tunnel

Season 1 , Ep 101 Views: 28,360

Patton Oswalt makes the mistake of bringing his nervous French bulldog to New York City. (5:53)

>> YOU KNOW, I LIVE IN LOSANGELES, AND FOR A LONG TIME,

I WAS VERY AMBIVALENTABOUT LIVING IN L.A. AND JUST--

AND I REALIZED, IT WAS BECAUSEOF ALL OF MY NEW YORK FRIENDS.

THEY ARE THE ONES WHO PUT ITINTO MY HEAD, "OH, YOU LIVE

IN THIS SHALLOW, PLASTIC,SELL-OUT TOWN.

YOU GOTTA MOVE TO NEW YORK.

THAT'S WHEREIT REALLY HAPPENS, MAN.

YOU GOTTA MOVE TO NEW YORK."

SO LAST YEAR,I MOVE TO NEW YORK.

I LIVED IN NEW YORK FOR A MONTH.

AND NOW I KNOW WHYALL OF MY NEW YORK FRIENDS

WANT ME TO MOVE THERE.

THEY WANT ANOTHER WARM BODYBETWEEN THEM AND THE CONSTANT

SPRAY OF [bleep] AND HORROR[bleep] THAT YOU'RE JUST

SUBJECTED TO.

AND BY THE WAY, NEW YORKIS A GREAT PLACE TO VISIT.

DON'T GET ME WRONG.

BUT YOU LIVE THERE FULL-TIME,IT TURNS YOUR SKULL INTO A CAGE

AND YOUR BRAIN INTO A RAT,AND THE CITY IS JUST A STICK

POKING THE RAT ALL DAY.

AND YOU LITERALLY--YOU GET TO THE POINT

WHERE YOU'RE LIKE,"I WANT SOMEONE TO BE SAD,

AND I WANT TO KNOWTHAT I'M RESPONSIBLE!"

[laughing] SO...

AND I MADE THE MISTAKEOF BRINGING MY DOG WITH ME.

I HAVE THIS LITTLEFRENCH BULLDOG,

AND HE'S SO SWEET.

HE GOES "EE!"AND--BUT WE LIVE IN THE SUBURBS.

IT'S QUIET. HE GOES ON WALKS.

HE'S CALM.

HE POOS. HE PEES. HE'S HAPPY.

NOW HE'S IN NEW YORK.

EVERY EIGHT SECONDS--[imitates horn honking]

"[bleep] YOU." BANG.

HE THINKS HE'S GONNA BE MURDEREDEVERY EIGHT SECONDS.

HE WANTS TO STOPAND SQUARE HIS PAWS

AND GET HIS EARS BACK AGAINST--I UNDERSTAND THAT.

HE IS DESCENDEDFROM GRAY WOLVES.

ALL DOGS ARE DESCENDEDFROM GRAY WOLVES.

HE WANTS TO DIELIKE A PROUD HUNTER.

I GET THAT.

"LET ME DIEWITH MY FANGS OUT, MAN."

HE WOULDN'T POO AND PEEON HIS WALKS.

I KNOW WHY.

HE DOESN'T WANT TO--HE DOESN'T WANT TO DIE

TAKING A DUMP ON BLEECKER STREETLIKE A--LIKE A CURLED UP

SALAD BAR SHRIMP.

"EW!"SO HE WAS MISERABLE.

I WAS MISERABLE.

I'M LIKE, "WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

HE'S MY LITTLE GUY."

SO MY SOLUTION WAS,I FOUND, NEAR MY APARTMENT,

THIS ACCESS TUNNELDOWN INTO THE SUBWAY.

IT WAS JUST THIS HORRIBLE,GRIME-COVERED--

JUST FILTH--TUNNEL.

BUT YOU WOULD GO IN IT...

AND IT WAS RELATIVELY QUIETCOMPARED TO THE REST

OF THE CITY.

AND MY DOG COULD CALM DOWNAND DO HIS BUSINESS.

AND HE WAS POOPING ONSTRATIFIED DECADES OF FILTH.

I MEAN, HIS--HIS POOPWAS THE CLEANEST THING

IN THE TUNNEL, BASICALLY.

AND I WOULD PICK IT UPAND TAKE IT AWAY.

I WANTED TO WALK DOWN THE STREETWITH THIS POO GOING,

"SOCIAL CONTRACT, ASS[bleep]!"SO...

IT'S MY LAST NIGHT THERE.

I KNOW I'M LEAVING THE NEXT DAY.

I'M SO HAPPY.

OH, BOY. THIS IS GREAT.

LET'S TAKE HIM OUT FOR HIS POO.

WE GO DOWN IN THE TUNNEL.

MY DOG IS CIRCLING...

PICKING A SPOT TO--TO POOPON DECOMPOSING CHARACTERS

FROM GANGS OF NEW YORK.

[laughing] AND, UM...

I'M JUST, "COME ON, MAN.

COME ON. DO IT."

AND HE'S JUST CIRCLING,AND I LOOK UP.

TEN FEET AWAYARE TWO CRACKHEADS.

ONE OF THE CRACKHEADSIS ON HIS KNEES

ABOUT TO BLOWTHE OTHER CRACKHEAD...

WHOSE [bleep] AND BALLSARE OUT!

[bleep] AND BALLS ARE OUT!

[sighs]I ASSUME THIS IS BEING DONE

IN EXCHANGE FOR CRACK.

GOODS AND SERVICESARE TRADING HANDS.

OUR FREE MARKET ECONOMYIS STRONG.

I IMMEDIATELY LOOK AWAY.

"OH, I DON'T WANT TO SEE THIS.

OH, GOD.

NO, I DON'T WANT TO SEE THIS.

COME ON, BUDDY. DO IT."

MY DOG STARTS TO POOP.

AND THAT'S WHEN I HEARFROM TEN FEET AWAY,

"NICE."

"REALLY NICE."

I WANTED TO GO,"OH, I'M SORRY.

AM I RUINING THIS ROMANTICGEORGE GERSHWIN MOMENT IN--

IN THE SUMMER TWILIGHTOF MANHATTAN?"

WHICH, I SAID NONE OF THAT,BY THE WAY.

I JUST KEPT MY HEAD DOWN.

"PLEASE FINISH. PLEASE."

HE FINISHED.

I PICKED UP HIS POO. I FLED.

AND IN MY HEAD, I'M THINKING,I'VE GOTTA GET OUT OF

THIS HELLHOLE CITY.

I HATE IT HERE SO MUCH.

BUT THEN I REALIZED,ME AND MY DOG WERE PART OF

THAT CRACKHEAD'S CONVERSATIONLATER ON

ABOUT HIS HORRIBLE NIGHT OUT.

HE WAS LIKE,"I GOTTA GET THE HELL

OUTTA THIS CITY.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA--LISTEN TO THIS [bleep].

SO EARLIER, ME AND BLUE NIPPLESGO DOWN THE 50TH STREET

GRIME TUNNEL, RIGHT?

HE'S GONNA GIVE ME ONE OF HISPATENTED DRY-TONGUED,

FOUR-TOOTHED BLOW JOBSFOR WHAT HE THINKS IS

A ZIPLOC BAGGIE OF CRACK,ALTHOUGH WHAT I DONE--

I CUT UP A BAR OF IVORY SOAP,'CAUSE NOTHING FEELS BETTER

THAN CHEATING MY ONLY FRIENDOUT OF FELLATIO, RIGHT?

YEAH, SO, AH, I HAVE FUN.

SO ANYWAY...

I'M AS HARD AS A TOWEL RACK,AND SOME RECENTLY SHOWERED,

WELL-DRESSED ASS[bleep]AND HIS SMALL, WELL-BEHAVED DOG

COME DOWNTHE GODDAMN GRIME TUNNEL.

THE DOG STARTS TAKING A DUMPNOT TEN FEET FROM WHERE I AM.

I GO HALF SOFT.

I DRIBBLEMY CHEMICALLY POISONED [bleep]

ALL OVER THE KEDS I STOLEOFF THAT BLIND BLACK KID.

I GOTTA GET THE [bleep]OUTTA THIS CITY.

IT ROBS YOUOF YOUR GODDAMN HUMANITY!"

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