Doug Benson - Traffic

Ford, Benson, Roy, Shubert Season 4, Ep 0410 12/18/2000 Views: 4,895

Some may be for traffic, but Doug is against it. (2:46)

SOMETHING THAT MIGHT BE A LITTLE

CONTROVERSIAL.

YOU MIGHT NOT ALL AGREE WITH IT.

I HATE TRAFFIC.

NOW HEAR ME OUT!

I KNOW SOME OF YOU ARE "FER" IT,

BUT I'M "AGAIN" IT.

AND HERE'S WHY. THE TRAFFIC IN

LOS ANGELES HAS GOTTEN SO BAD,

THAT SOMETIMES NOW YOU HAVE TO

SIT IN A LINE OF CARS TO WAIT

YOUR TURN TO GET ONTO A FREEWAY

THAT'S NOT EVEN MOVING.

AND I'M SITTING ONE DAY WAITING

TO GET ON THE FREEWAY, RIGHT?

I'M WAITING MY ASS OFF,

AND I LOOK OVER BY THE SIDE OF

THE ROAD, AND THERE'S A

HITCHHIKER WITH A SIGN, AND IT

SAY, "PICK ME UP, AND YOU CAN

DRIVE IN THE CARPOOL LANE."

(LAUGHTER)

I GOTTA TELL YOU, HE WAS KINDA

SMELLY, BUT HE WAS A GOOD

CONVERSATIONALIST.

(LAUGHTER)

ANOTHER THING THAT I DON'T ENJOY

IS ALL THE STUFF THAT PEOPLE PUT

ON THE BACK OF THEIR CARS THAT

I HAVE TO READ 'CAUSE I'M A

GOOD-- GOOD DRIVER, AND I'M

LOOKING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE, THEY'LL PUT A BUMPER

STICKER ON THERE THAT SAYS

SOMETHING LIKE, "MY GRANDCHILD

IS AN HONOR STUDENT AT DUMB-ASS

SCHOOL."

(LAUGHTER)

WHO CARES?!

NOBODY!

I HATE HOW ALL THE, LIKE,

HIP HOP BANDS OF TODAY WILL PUT

CRAZY SOUND EFFECTS INTO THEIR

SONGS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE A POLICE OR AMBULANCE SIREN

IN A TUNE?

BECAUSE, I CAN OWN THE CD,

RIGHT?

I CAN LISTEN TO IT 50 GAMILLION

TIMES IN MY CAR, I STILL FALL

FOR IT EVERY TIME!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME SCENARIO.

I'LL BE DRIVING ALONG LISTENING

TO THE BEASTIE BOYS,

IT'LL BE LIKE, INTERGALACTIC

(SIREN SOUND)"

OH NO!

AM I IN SOME SORT OF TROUBLE?

ARE LIVES HANGING IN THE

BALANCE?

WHY AM I YELLING?

HAVE I MENTIONED YET THAT I'M

GREAT IN BED?

(LAUGHTER AND CHEERING)

I'M NOT JOKING AROUND.

I AM EXCELLENT IN THE OLD

SACKAROO.

YEAH.

THAT'S BECAUSE I DO THINGS

FOR THE LADIES.

(CHEERING)

YEAH.

THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

I DO THINGS FOR THE LADIES

THAT THEY APPRECIATE.

I'LL GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE.

DURING THE ACT OF LOVEMAKING,

I WILL ACTUALLY WARN THE WOMAN

WHEN I'M ABOUT READY TO WRAP

IT UP.

(LAUGHTER)

I THINK THAT'S A VERY SWEET

GESTURE.

I'LL WHISPER SOMETHING ROMANTIC

IN HER EAR LIKE, "T- MINUS

TEN SECONDS!

NINE!

EIGHT!

OOPS!

(LAUGHTER)

SORRY, NICE LADY!"