What do I care?I want to get home.
But then from the carafeof tequila I had that night,
the pizza, and the weed,I had to throw up.
I gotthis real nauseous feeling.
So I go, "Dude, pull over.I got to puke."
And like a pro, he pulls
right into an Exxon stationon Route 17.
It was 5:00 a.m.Nobody was there.
I open the door to this cab,and I begin to projectile-vomit,
like the kind of pukingthat hurts your kidneys,
I had 5 feet on this [bleep]with an arc.
I felt likean Olympic swimmer afterward.
Pot smoke is billowingout of the car.
It looked like there was a newPope in Mexico or something.
Just billowing outof the [bleep] car,
all this weed smoke.
And, you know, he's havinga good time, and I'm puking.
So what happens?
Of course,a cop pulls up right behind us.
Pulls into the gas station--cherry top, you know,
the whole thing, the sirensare on, pulling up to us.
The kid sees thisand does the worst thing.
He tries to hide the jointin his crotch.
He's burning his balls,like, aah!
I can't stop puking,'cause it's a physical thing.
I can't stop,so I'm puking like crazy.
There's pot smokestill coming out of the car.
This kid's hiding the joint,
who looks like a roadiefor The Allman Brothers.
Cop pulls right up,just a foot from my face.
And this is why it was greatto be on the Stern show.
He put a flashlight in my facewhile I'm throwing up,
and he went, "Artie!"
And then he just drove away.
[cheers and applause]
Coolest [bleep] copever, ever.
And the greatest thing,though--
The way the story endsis the kid looked at me.
He couldn't believe it.The cop just left.
The kid looks at me,
he takes the jointout of his balls, and he goes,
"Dude, are you famous?"