Jim Gaffigan - Bottled Water

  • Season 3, Ep 6
  • 07/11/2000
  • Views: 62,044

This is good -- this is more watery than water. (2:54)

I TRY AND EAT HEALTHY.

I DRINK THE BOTTLED WATER.

IT MAKES YOU GO TO THE BATHROOMEVERY TEN SECONDS.

I FEEL KIND OF SILLYBUYING THE BOTTLED WATER.

MAYBE I'M TOO MIDWESTERN.

EVERY TIME I GO IN A STORE,I'M ALWAYS LIKE,

"HEY, HOW YOU DOING?

"I KNOW YOU CAN GET WATER FREEFROM ANY FAUCET,

"BUT I WANT TO PAY FOR IT.

"I'M JUST CURIOUS--

"DO YOU HAVE ANY AIRBACK THERE, OR--

CAN I BUY YOUR GARBAGE?"

IT IS WATER.

HOW DID WE GET TO THE POINT

WHERE WE'RE PAYINGFOR BOTTLED WATER?

THAT MUST'VE BEENSOME WEIRD MARKETING MEETING

OVER IN FRANCE.

SOME FRENCH GUYWAS SITTING THERE, HE'S LIKE,

"HOW DUMB DO I THINKTHE AMERICANS ARE?

I BET YOU WE COULDSELL THOSE IDIOTS WATER."

"PIERRE, THE AMERICANSARE PRETTY DUMB,

BUT THEY'RE NOTGONNA BUY WATER."

"OH, YES, THEY ARE.

LET'S JUST TELL THE AMERICANSTHE WATER'S FROM FRANCE."

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE LIKE ME--

WHEN THEY FIRST INTRODUCEDBOTTLED WATER,

I THOUGHT IT WAS SO FUNNY.

I WAS LIKE, "BOTTLED WATER!THEY'RE SELLING BOTTLED WATER.

"I GUESS I'LL TRY IT.

"AH, THIS IS GOOD.

"THIS IS MORE WATERYTHAN WATER.

YEAH, THIS HAS GOTA WATER KICK TO IT."

I WAS LOOKINGAT A BOTTLE OF WATER.

THEY HAVE NUTRITIONAL FACTSPRINTED ON THE SIDE.

YOU KNOW, I'M NO CHEMIST,

BUT I HAVE A ROUGH IDEAOF WHAT'S IN WATER.

KIND OF EXPECT TO TURNTHE BOTTLE AND SEE A RECIPE.

"THAT'S HOW YOU MAKE ICE CUBES.

"APPARENTLY, YOU JUST FREEZETHIS STUFF.

"OH, BUT YOU NEED A TRAY.

THAT'S HOW THEY GET YA."

MY FAVORITE FOODIS MEXICAN FOOD.

I USED TO BE A WAITER INA MEXICAN RESTAURANT IN INDIANA.

AND THAT'S WHERE YOU GOFOR MEXICAN.

MEXICAN FOOD'S GREAT,

BUT IT'S ESSENTIALLYALL THE SAME INGREDIENTS.

SO YOU'D ALWAYS HAVE THE--

AS A WAITER, YOU'D HAVE TO DEALWITH THESE STUPID QUESTIONS.

PEOPLE ARE LIKE,"WHAT IS NACHOS?"

"NACHOS?

IT'S A TORTILLA WITH CHEESE,MEAT, OR VEGETABLES."

"OH, WELL,THEN WHAT IS A BURRITO?"

"TORTILLA WITH CHEESE, MEAT,OR VEGETABLES."

"THEN WHAT IS A TOSTATA?"

"TORTILLA WITH CHEESE, MEAT,OR VEGETABLES."

"THEN WHAT IS--"

"LOOK, IT'S ALL THE SAME.

"WHY DON'T YOU SAYA SPANISH WORD,

AND I'LL BRING YOU SOMETHING?"

MEXICAN FOOD IS GREAT,BUT IT IS ALL THE SAME.

IT'S ALMOST A CONSPIRACY.

IT'S ALMOST LIKETHEY HAD A MEETING

200 YEARS AGO IN MEXICO CITY,AND ONE GUY STOOD UP, HE'S LIKE,

"THE REASON I GOT EVERYONE HEREIS PRETTY SIMPLE.

I FIGURE WE COULD RENAMETHIS ONE ENTREE SEVEN TIMES

AND SELL ITTO THE NORTH AMERICANS.

THE FRENCH SAID IT WOULD BEA GOOD IDEA.

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