I know that, ah, female comics,sometimes people are like,
"All they talk about'stheir periods."
And I'm on mine right now,so I'll (bleep) do what I want!
I'm just kidding.
I'm just kidding.
I, uh... I haven't had sexin a really long time,
'cause I quit drinking,so, that's kind of...
...how that works.
Oh, my God.
Have you had sober sex...with someone for the first time?
That is...I don't think it's poss...
I think... I hear you haveto be in love, or get raped.
I think those arethe two scenarios.
And I lock up at night,
so, I'm never gonna findthe one, you know?
When I drank,I was an active slut.
It was great.
My number was...
(man whoops)Yeah. I don't like...
Oh, my number, um...my number can drive,
um, a rental car,so, that's, uh...
...different in every state.
God... I don't rememberany of the sex I had.
It was all blackout.
You know, if you can'tremember it, did it happen?
I don't think so.
I think I'm the only virginwith HPV then.
(laughter)I think that's what that means.
So, that's exciting.
Thank you. Thank you.
I don't know...
I don't know why I'm eagerto have sex again,
'cause I don't thinkI'm good at it.
I recently hadto have phone sex,
uh, to talk downmy Verizon bill, and, um...
(laughter)Do what you got to do.
And I'm not good at it.
I'm, uh... 'cause you have to,like, be creative in the moment.
It comes out of nowhere.Like, "Talk dirty."
And I'm, like,"I have a vagina."
Just, like, stating facts.
He's, like,"What are you doing?"
I'm, like,"I'm just laying here. Bye."
And that's all I did.'Cause that's all I did.
That's all I do.
I just lay back and get it.
Girls, you can kind ofjust lay there, can't you?
Being on bottom,it's-it's the tops down there.
It's enough that you're theremost of the time.
I treat it like a massage.
I recommend it.
(laughter)And yes, they'll... sometimes
they'll ask you to participate,and you should.
You know, if he bought youdinner at Chili's or something,
uh, you should wiggle,you know.
That two-for-$20--that'll get you, but, um...