Nick DiPaolo - Food Poisoning

Tough Crowd Stands Up with Colin Quinn Season 1, Ep 0101 12/08/2002 Views: 5,927

If you want to lose weight, get food poisoning twice a year. (2:02)

SHOW, YOU KNOW.

MY BUDDY TELLS ME THE BEST WAY

TO LOSE WEIGHT, DON'T EAT AFTER

SEVEN O'CLOCK.

WELL, THAT'S GOOD IF YOU GO

TO BED AFTER JEOPARDY.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT IF YOU KEEP THE HOURS OF A

CRACK WHORE LIKE I DO, YOU KNOW?

I'M NOT GOING TO BED UNTIL

4 A.M.

I DON'T THINK THAT POP TART

AT 4 P.M. IS GONNA TIDE ME OVER.

BY MIDNIGHT I'M CHASING MY CAT

WITH A KNIFE AND A BOTTLE OF

STEAK SAUCE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO...

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

THEY TALKED ME INTO TRYING THAT

ALL PROTEIN DIET, YOU KNOW.

THEY DIDN'T TELL ME IT TAKES THE

SAME EFFORT TO MOVE YOUR BOWELS

AS IT DOES A THREE-BEDROOM

APARTMENT, YOU KNOW.

[LAUGHTER]

MY COLON WAS BLOCKED UP

FOR WEEKS; IT LOOKED LIKE THE

HOLLAND TUNNEL ON A LONG WEEKEND

AT 5 O'CLOCK AND I WAS LIKE...

[LAUGHTER]

IF YOU WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT,

DO WHAT I DO, GET FOOD POISONING

TWICE A YEAR.

I GOT THE-- SERIOUSLY.

I GOT FOOD POISONING A MONTH

AGO.

STAY AWAY FROM THE TUNA FISH

AT LAGUARDIA AIRPORT.

I ATE LIKE THREE OF THESE

SANDWICHES AND THEN I REALIZED

THEY MADE THEM TO CELEBRATE THE

OPENING OF LAGUARDIA IN 1946.

I'M LIKE, HEY, THESE ARE

DELICIOUS.

ABOUT TWO HOURS LATER I THOUGHT

I WAS MISS-CARRYING SATAN'S

CHILD.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND WHISTLES]

I'M SITTING THERE WATCHING TV...

[CHURNING NOISES]

THERE'S A PITCHFORK STICKING OUT

OF MY ASS, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

I'M SWEATING LIKE A CATHOLIC

PRIEST AT A LITTLE LEAGUE GAME

AND I'M THINKING...

Audience: OH!

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES, APPLAUSE]

ONE GOOD THING ABOUT FOOD

POISONING, YOU LOOK LIKE

YOU'RE IN SHAPE FOR THE NEXT

THREE DAYS, RIGHT?

YOU'RE ALL DEHYDRATED...

HEY, I'M RIPPED, I'M ALL CUT UP,

YOU KNOW.

FRIENDS ARE LIKE, "NICK,

YOU BEEN GOING TO THE GYM?"

"NO, I'VE BEEN GOING TO TERMINAL

D AT CONTINENTAL."

[LAUGHTER]