John Oliver - In Awe of the T-Shirt Cannon Pt. 1

Joe Zimmerman, Sara Schaefer, Tom Lennon Season 4, Ep 2 08/02/2013 Views: 6,495

John Oliver knows that holding a T-shirt cannon allows him to conduct people like an orchestra of humanity. (2:34)

I think every generationis defined by

its greatest invention.

You've seen thisthroughout history.

You know, the generationthat created the wheel, the

telephone, the panini,the nuclear bomb.

All of the greatestinventions of all time.

And I was wondering theother day, what will our

generation's legacybe as an invention?

I thought, it'sthe T-shirt cannon.

Yes.

The T-shirt cannon.

The cannon thatfires T-shirts.

This is how much we

love T-shirt cannons: Peoplehave died falling out of

arenas reaching forT-shirts farther away.

And yet we stillhave T-shirt cannons.

I don't recall anydiscussion of T-shirt

cannons getting banned.

Almost as if collectively weall thought, You know what?

It's not thatbad a way to die.

That's a noble death.

That is a proud,honest death.

You are guaranteed toget into heaven if you're

walking up there with aballed-up T-shirt in your

hand saying, "I[BLEEP] caught it.

Step aside, I'mcoming through.

I've got my passport toparadise right here."

No one ever has more powerthan when they hold a

T-shirt cannon in frontof other human beings.

You can conduct people, likean orchestra of humanity.

Who wants a T-shirt?

Who wants a T-shirt?

I want a T-shirt, andI can't articulate why!

And incidentally, ifthat's how orchestras were

conducted, I would probablygo to a lot more

classical concerts.

I need more bassoon.

Do you want a T-shirt?

And-- And what dowe do this for?

What do we behavethis way for?

Some of the [BLEEP]T-shirts imaginable.

The worst quality T-shirtsthat could be made by any

11-year-oldIndonesian child.

And you're acting so aloof.

You're acting so elitistand aloof, New York.

Sitting there: It'sawful, isn't it, John?

It's awful when you see theway humanity behaves when

presented with aT-shirt cannon.

It makes one despair,

does it not?

Oh, please.

Please.

Let's all agree.

I think you know, deep down,that if I had a T-shirt

cannon backstage now and Ifired it into the middle of

this room, there'd bea [BLEEP] riot in here.