Jim Norton - Entertainment in Aspen

  • Season 5 , Ep 508
  • 11/16/2001
  • Views: 7,092

Jim thinks skiers deserve to die. (2:37)

(LAUGHTER)

I'M SINGLE.

I HAD A THREE YEAR RELATIONSHIP

END.

YOU EVER HAVE SOMEBODY

JUST FREAK OUT ON YOU IN A

RELATIONSHIP?

THING ARE GOING GREAT AFTER

THREE YEARS.

SHE WANTS TO RUN OUT AND FIND

A GUY WHO DOESN'T HIT HER.

(LAUGHTER)

SEE?

IT'S NEW YORK.

YOU CAN DO THAT JOKE.

IF I DID THAT IN LOS ANGELES,

THEY ALL WOULD HAVE WALKED OUT

ON ME.

"DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS NOT FUNNY.

MY FRIEND WAS IN A BAD

RELATIONSHIP.

HER BOYFRIEND HIT HER."

UGH!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND I HATE PEOPLE THAT GET

OFFENDED AT HUMOR.

AND EVERYBODY WORKS WITH

SOMEBODY LIKE THAT OR GOES

TO SCHOOL.

YOU KNOW THAT ONE PERSON--

THEY ALWAYS TRY TO GET

ATTENTION--

"I'M TAKING A STAND."

AND YOU JUST...

YOU KNOW THAT AGGRAVATING

PERSON...

ALWAYS WEARING GLASSES TWO SIZES

TOO SMALL FOR THEIR STUPID

FACES.

'CAUSE THEY THINK THEY LOOK

BRILLIANT.

NO MATTER WHAT YOU'RE TALKING

ABOUT THERE'S A PROBLEM.

"CATS AND DOGS."

"OH, MY GOD.

MY FRIEND WAS ATTACKED BY A

PIT BULL.

COULD YOU NOT GO THERE?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERS AND WHISTLES)

AND YOU KNOW WHAT WE TAKE

FOR GRANTED HERE?

THAT FACT THAT IN NEW YORK,

YOU COULD PRETTY MUCH DO

WHATEVER YOU WANT WHENEVER

YOU WANT IT.

YOU HAVE 24 HOUR ACCESSIBILITY

WHICH LIKE.

3 O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING

YOU CAN RUN OUT TO GET TRUCK

TIRES, FALAFEL AND A BAG OF

HEROIN.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

IN THE SAME STORE.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

I WAS IN ASPEN COLORADO

WHERE YOU DO NOT HAVE THAT

ACCESSIBILITY.

AND IT'S AGGRAVATING.

BECAUSE THEY CLOSE--

THE ENTIRE CITY CLOSES AT

10 O'CLOCK 'CAUSE IT'S A

SKI TOWN.

THEY'RE ALL YUPPIE DOUCH BAGS.

THEY WANT TO GET UP EARLY,

GET ON THE SLOPES.

UGH!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERS AND WHISTLES)

FOR THE RECORD, I HATE SKIING.

AND IF YOU'RE KILLED DOING IT,

GOOD!

IT STINKS.

BUT IT CLOSES AT 10 O'CLOCK.

SO I'M THERE AND IT WAS AFTER

MIDNIGHT AND I WAS STARVING.

THERE'S NOTHING OPEN.

I'M LIKE "ALL RIGHT.

I'LL CALL AN ESCORT SERVICE."

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

AND I'LL ALL TELL YOU,

NEW YORK IS EXPENSIVE,

ASPEN IS DISGUSTING.

I'M ON THE PHONE WITH THE

SERVICE--

I'M LIKE "WELL, HOW MUCH IS IT

TO SEE SOMEBODY?"

AND THE WOMAN'S LIKE

"AH, $3,000.

I'M LIKE "YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?"

AND SHE'S LIKE "WELL, SHE'S

REALLY PRETTY."

"AH."

(LAUGHTER)

"DO I GET TO CUT HER HEAD OFF

AND KEEP IT WHEN I'M FINISHED?"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

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