a bachelorette party busflipped over the Pines Bridge
and landedon top of a booze cruise
carrying a separate bacheloretteparty.
Now, our first responders wereon the scene almost immediately
and, as it turns out,the small penises we found
dotting the shoreline were notthe remains of young boys
but were,in fact, straw toppers,
or "dicky sippies," asthey're called.
These are used fordrinking alcohol out of.
I'd like to turn this overto the head of the ICU
at Mercy Medical,Dr. Todd Mandible.
As it stands, we are treating11 women for hypothermia
after spending several hoursin the water clinging
to inflatable sex dolls.
Four women, uh, remain incritical condition
in what I can only describe asa rat king situation
in whichthey are bound together
in a wet tangle of hairextensions and feather boas.
Thank you, Dr. Mandible.
We've questionedseveral witnesses.
One man recanted the followingconversation he overheard.
"Help, my best friendis drowning."
"She's not your best friend."
"Really-- Then whyam I the maid of honor?"
In every case, onlookers whocalled 9-1-1
urged us to take our time.
Sadly, there were fatalities
and for that I'm gonna turn itover to our chief coroner.
Thank you, sheriff.
Yes, therewere multiple fatalities,
including three alcoholpoisonings
that were notrelated to the crash.
(man)Can you give us somemore details?(man)
Well, at leastone woman drowned
after being knocked unconsciousby a bitch goblet.
(man)What's a bitch goblet?
To my knowledge, a bitch gobletis a large drinking goblet
with the word "bitch"stenciled in puff paint
across the back of it.
One woman who made a braveeffort to make it ashore,
but herhair was so messed up
and her makeup was sogrotesquely running
that some local farmers thoughtshe was one of the ghost girls
from "The Ring" and smashedher head with a shovel.
But probably the most tragicloss was a woman named Beth
who was surprised that she waseven invited to the party,
she was justa friend of a friend.
Thought about not going,decided, (bleep) it, why not go?
And she's dead.
I'd like to turn it overnow to the fire chief.
I'm sorry, that'sa surviving stripper.
(man)What happenedto the drivers?
Both the driver ofthe party bus
and the captain ofthe booze cruise are deceased.
They committed suicideprior to the accident,
for obvious reasons.
The survivors are currentlywith grief counselors
and we have made surethat those grief counselors
have their owngrief counselors.
Now, our... our thoughts andprayers are with the families
of the surviving girls, as thesegirls are the worst.
Please respect their privacy
at this humiliating time,thank you.