Bachelorette Party Disaster

  • Season 2, Ep 9
  • 05/27/2014
  • Views: 32,242

Sheriff Amy Schumer addresses the press regarding an accident wherein a bachelorette party bus collided with a bachelorette booze cruise. (3:36)

a bachelorette party busflipped over the Pines Bridge

and landedon top of a booze cruise

carrying a separate bacheloretteparty.

Now, our first responders wereon the scene almost immediately

and, as it turns out,the small penises we found

dotting the shoreline were notthe remains of young boys

but were,in fact, straw toppers,

or "dicky sippies," asthey're called.

These here.

These are used fordrinking alcohol out of.

I'd like to turn this overto the head of the ICU

at Mercy Medical,Dr. Todd Mandible.

Good morning.

As it stands, we are treating11 women for hypothermia

after spending several hoursin the water clinging

to inflatable sex dolls.

Four women, uh, remain incritical condition

in what I can only describe asa rat king situation

in whichthey are bound together

in a wet tangle of hairextensions and feather boas.

Thank you, Dr. Mandible.

We've questionedseveral witnesses.

One man recanted the followingconversation he overheard.

"Help, my best friendis drowning."

"She's not your best friend."

"Really-- Then whyam I the maid of honor?"

In every case, onlookers whocalled 9-1-1

urged us to take our time.

Sadly, there were fatalities

and for that I'm gonna turn itover to our chief coroner.

Thank you, sheriff.

Yes, therewere multiple fatalities,

including three alcoholpoisonings

that were notrelated to the crash.

(reporters murmuring)

(man)Can you give us somemore details?(man)

Well, at leastone woman drowned

after being knocked unconsciousby a bitch goblet.

(man)What's a bitch goblet?

To my knowledge, a bitch gobletis a large drinking goblet

with the word "bitch"stenciled in puff paint

across the back of it.

One woman who made a braveeffort to make it ashore,

but herhair was so messed up

and her makeup was sogrotesquely running

that some local farmers thoughtshe was one of the ghost girls

from "The Ring" and smashedher head with a shovel.

But probably the most tragicloss was a woman named Beth

who was surprised that she waseven invited to the party,

she was justa friend of a friend.

Thought about not going,decided, (bleep) it, why not go?

And she's dead.

I'd like to turn it overnow to the fire chief.

Oh.

I'm sorry, that'sa surviving stripper.

Nice, okay.

Thanks, Barnabas.

Yes.

(man)What happenedto the drivers?

Both the driver ofthe party bus

and the captain ofthe booze cruise are deceased.

They committed suicideprior to the accident,

for obvious reasons.

The survivors are currentlywith grief counselors

and we have made surethat those grief counselors

have their owngrief counselors.

Now, our... our thoughts andprayers are with the families

of the surviving girls, as thesegirls are the worst.

Please respect their privacy

at this humiliating time,thank you.

(reporters murmuring)

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