John Oliver - Exactly Where I Need to Be

  • Season 2, Ep 5
  • 04/21/2011
  • Views: 55,728

On a trip to the upper peninsula of Michigan, John Oliver realized that there was a genuine chance that his luggage might get stolen by a bear. (6:27)

BY ONE BRIDGEOR A TINY AIRPORT

THAT JUST HAS A COUPLEOF FLIGHTS A DAY.

AND IT'S THE FIRST TIMEI'VE EVER LANDED ON A RUNWAY

AND WALKED STRAIGHT DOWN ONTOTHE RUNWAY

AND REALIZED THEREWAS A GENUINE CHANCE

THAT MY LUGGAGE MAY BE ABOUTTO GET STOLEN BY A BEAR.

(laughter)

I HAD TO GET THE FIRST FLIGHTOUT THE FOLLOWING MORNING.

SO I SAID TO THE WOMANIN THE HOTEL,

"CAN I BOOK A CAB TOMORROWMORNING

"FOR ABOUT 5:00 A.M.?IS THAT POSSIBLE?

"I NEED TO GETTO THE AIRPORT.

CAN I BOOK A CABFOR AROUND 5:00?"

AND SHE SAID, "NO, NO, NO.

"YOU WON'T NEED TO DO THAT.

DAVE WILL TAKE YOU."

(laughter)

I THOUGHT FINE, FINE.

MAYBE THAT'S HOW IT WORKSUP HERE.

MAYBE DAVE TAKES PEOPLEANYWHERE THEY NEED TO GO.

I WANT TO BE RESPECTFULOF THE LOCAL CULTURE.

DAVE SHALL BE MY GUIDE.

IT WILL BE AN HONORTO BE TRANSPORTED

BY THE MANTHEY CALL "DAVE."

SO THE NEXT MORNING,ABOUT 4:45,

I WALK DOWN TO THE HOTEL LOBBY,

AND IT WAS PITCH BLACK,COMPLETE DARKNESS

BUT FOR ONE SHADOWY FIGURE,

STANDING BEHIND THE DESK,NOT MOVING,

NOT READING,

JUST STARING MOTIONLESSINTO THE AIR IN FRONT OF HIM.

AND WHEN HE HEARD MY FOOTSTEPSON THE LOBBY FLOOR,

THE SHADOW SPUN TOWARDS MEAND SAID, "LET'S GO."

(laughter)

BARE IN MIND, AT THIS POINT,

I DIDN'T KNOW WHETHER THIS WASACTUALLY DAVE AT ALL

OR WHETHER I WAS ABOUTTO FIGHT TO THE DEATH

IN AN ICE THUNDERDOME.

(laughter)

BUT IT WAS DAVE,

AND WHEN HE TURNEDTHE LIGHTS ON,

IT TURNED OUT DAVEWAS 75 YEARS OLD

AND HE HAD A HOMEMADE SPLINTUP THE SIDE OF HIS LEG

AND AN UPSIDE DOWN HOCKEY STICKTHAT HE WAS USING

TO PROPEL HIMSELF ACROSSTHE LOBBY FLOOR

AND OUT TO HIS VANWHERE HE STARTED TO DRIVE

USING THE HOCKEY STICKTO ACCELERATE AND BRAKE.

(laughter)

I REMEMBER THINKING,"IF I DON'T FIND GOD NOW,

"I DON'T THINK I'M EVERGOING TO FIND HIM

BECAUSE THIS FEELS LIKE ITREALLY SHOULD BE MY TIME."

I SHOULD TELL YOU, AS WELL,

THE WINDSHIELDWAS COMPLETELY ICED OVER.

YOU COULDN'T SEE ANYTHING OUTOF THE WINDSHIELD

BUT FOR YOUR OWN TERRIFIED EYESBEING REFLECTED BACK AT YOU.

AND I SAID TO HIM, "DAVE!DAVE, STOP THE VAN, DAVE!

"STOP THE VAN.

"LET ME PLEASE SCRAPETHE WINDSHIELD CLEAR FOR YOU.

I'D BE HAPPY TO DO THATSO WE CAN DRIVE ON SAFELY,"

AND HE SAID, "WELL, I DON'T NEED YOU TO DO THAT, JOHN.

I KNOW THESE ROADS."

(laughter)

IT WAS SIMULTANEOUSLYTHE MOST CONFIDENT

AND THE MOST TERRIFYING SENTENCEI HAD EVER HEARD

UNTIL THE NEXT THING HE SAID.

(laughter)

BECAUSE HE PULLED INTO THE SIDE OF THE ROAD,

AND I DISTINCTLYREMEMBER THINKING,

"OH, THAT'S INTERESTING

BECAUSE WE'RE NOTAT THE AIRPORT."

(laughter)

AND THEN HE TURNEDTHE ENGINE OFF,

LOOKED STRAIGHT OUTIN FRONT OF HIM AND SAID,

"JOHN...

I WANT TO SHOWYOU SOMETHING."

(laughter)

AND IF I'D HAD TO PICKA SEQUENCE OF WORDS

THAT I WANTED TO HEAR THE LEASTIN THAT MOMENT,

IT WOULD'VE BEENTHOSE EXACT WORDS

IN THAT EXACT ORDER.

"PLEASE DON'T SHOW MEANYTHING, DAVE.

"I DO NOT WANT TO SEE ANYTHINGTHAT YOU HAVE TO SHOW ME.

"LEAST OF ALL THE BODIESTHAT I'M NOW

RELATIVELY CONFIDENTYOU KEEP IN YOUR BASEMENT."

BUT I WAS WRONG.

I WAS DEAD WRONG.

BECAUSE WHAT HE HADTO SHOW ME WAS WONDERFUL.

EVERY WINTER, THE STUDENTSAT MICHIGAN TECH

BUILD ENORMOUSICE SCULPTURES,

ICE VILLAGES, STATUESAND LIGHT THEM UP AT NIGHT

SO THAT YOU CAN ENJOY THEM.

SO DAVE AND I WALKEDTHROUGH THIS ICE WONDERLAND

IN THE MOONLIGHT.

DAVE'S HANDIN THE SMALL OF MY BACK.

(laughter)

TOO LOW, TOO LOW.

WAY, WAY TOO LOW.

BUT AT THAT POINT,IT DIDN'T SEEM TO MATTER.

WE'D ALL READY BEEN THROUGHSO MUCH.

(laughter)

I REMEMBER THINKING,"I WISH THE REST OF THE WORLD

KNEW WHAT THE CENTER OF AMERICAWAS REALLY LIKE,"

BECAUSE I THINK IT WOULDDISPENSE MOST

LAZY ANTI-AMERICANISMINSTANTLY

IF THE REST OF THE PLANETUNDERSTOOD

THAT THE CENTER OF AMERICAIS NOT OVERCONFIDENT.

IT'S (bleep) INSANE.

AND THAT SHOULD BE CHERISHEDAND ENVIED.

AND THIS WAS CEMENTEDWHEN WE DID FINALLY GET

TO THE AIRPORT'CAUSE DAVE PULLED IN,

AND HE SAID TO ME,"WE'RE HERE, JOHN.

GOOD LUCK WITH EVERYTHING."

I SAID, "THANK YOU, DAVE.GOOD LUCK TO YOU, TOO,"

AND HE SAID,"WELL, I DON'T NEED LUCK.

I'M EXACTLYWHERE I NEED TO BE."

(laughter)

AND I SAID, "WAIT.WHAT, WHAT?

"I WAS NOT EXPECTINGANYTHING THAT PROFOUND, DAVE.

"WHY?

PLEASE, TELL ME WHY ARE YOUEXACTLY WHERE YOU NEED TO BE?"

AND HE LOOKED ME STRAIGHTIN THE EYES,

AND I PROMISE THIS IS TRUE,HE SAID THIS.

HE SAID,"I'M THE FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE

AGAINST THE CANADIANS."

(laughter and applause)

I'LL--

I'LL TELL YOU HOW MUCHHE WAS JOKING--

ZERO PERCENT.

ABSOLUTE ZERO.

THAT IS A MANWHO DOES NOT SLEEP AT NIGHT.

HE SITS WIDE AWAKE HALFWAYUP HIS STAIRCASE

WITH HIS FRONT DOOR WIDE OPENAND A SHOTGUN ACROSS HIS LEGS,

SECRETLY PRAYING THAT A CANADIANWILL TRY SOMETHING.

OH, PLEASE JEAN-PIERRE.PLEASE CROSS THAT BORDER.

DO IT, J.P.DO IT.

I WILL MOUNT YOU TO MY WALLLIKE A MAPLE SUGAR MOOSE."

(laughter)

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