Chelsea Handler - Wedding Gifts

  • Season 11, Ep 13
  • 03/08/2007
  • Views: 31,746

Chelsea expects her married friends to buy her gifts because she's single. (2:19)

AND SHE'S GETTING MARRIED--

I DON'T LIKE PEOPLE WHO GET MARRIED

AND THEN MAKE THE ENTIRE YEAR ABOUT THEM.

YOU KNOW, THESE PEOPLE WHO DO THIS-- IS ANYBODY ENGAGED,

GETTING MARRIED? YEAH-- GOOD LUCK WITH THAT, GOOD LUCK.

I DON'T LIKE THESE BRIDES WHO GO AND REGISTER

FOR THEIR OWN GIFTS.WHO DECIDED IT WAS OKAY

TO PICK OUT YOUR OWN GIFTS. AND THEN THEY ACT SURPRISED

WHEN THEY GETTHE GIFT AND WRITE YOUA THANK-YOU LETTER LIKE,

OH MY GOD, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR THOUGHTFUL GIFT.

HOW DID YOU KNOW?

IT'S LIKE, BITCH, YOU PICKEDIT OUT, THAT'S HOW I KNEW, OKAY?

I TYPED IN YOUR NAME, AND A CEILING FAN CAME UP.

WHAT-- PICK THAT OUT ON MY OWN,

WHY DON'T YOU BUY ME A GIFT,I'M STILL SINGLE.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN REGISTER AT A LIQUOR STORE, BUT I WOULD LIKE TO TRY.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

WHEN I GET MARRIED FOR THE FIRST TIME,

I'M GONNA REGISTER AT BANK OF AMERICA.

I'M A HALF A JEW,I'M NOT [BLEEP] AROUND.

WE GET NOTHING OUT OF IT, YOU THROW WEDDING SHOWERS,

AND BACHELORETTE WEEKENDS FOR THESE GIRLS, RIGHT,

WE SPEND SO MUCH MONEY ONTHESE DRESSES THAT ARE TERRIBLE.

AND WHAT DO WE GET OUT OF IT, NOTHING, A PIECE OF CHICKEN

AND A ROLL IN THE HAY WITH THEIRHILLBILLY COUSIN, NO THANK YOU.

MY FAMILY'S VERY CLOSE,I CAN DO THAT AT HOME.

NEVER ENDS AT THE WEDDING 'CAUSE THEN THEY LEAVE

AND THEY GO ON THEIR HONEYMOON AND YOU'RE SO HAPPY IT'S OVER

AND ALL THE BRIDESMAIDS ARE COMPLAINING ANDCOMMISERATING TOGETHER.

AND THEN THEY COME BACKAND WANT YOU TO WATCH THE VIDEO.

IT WAS LIKE, BITCH, I WAS THERE, OKAY. I SAW.

I DON'T REALLY WANT TO SEE FOOTAGE OF ME PASSED OUT ON A CAKE.

[LAUGHTER]

OR THEY FEEL BAD FOR YOU-- YOU KNOW-- THEY FEEL BAD--

MY GIRLFRIEND MET HER BOYFRIENDICE SKATING ON A SATURDAY NIGHT.

I'M LIKE, LISTEN UP CAMEL TOE, IF YOU SEE A GROWN MAN ALONE

ON A PAIR OF SKATES ON A SATURDAY NIGHT.

YOU'RE THINKING I'M NOT GONNALET THIS FISH GET AWAY?

- GOOD LUCK WITH THAT MARRIAGE. - [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.HE'S GONNA COME DANCING OUT OF THE CLOSET

IN A BALLERINA OUTFIT IN ABOUT SIX MONTHS, OKAY?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

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