Doug Stanhope - 75-Year-Old Sex

  • Season 5 , Ep 13
  • 09/23/2001
  • Views: 19,928

Doug Stanhope does not want to be 90, combing his last three hairs and looking to get lucky. (1:30)

YOU HEAR OLD PEOPLE GO, "WHAT

I'VE LOST IN YEARS, I'VE GAINED

IN WISDOM."

I HAVEN'T LEARNED ONE THING IN

15 YEARS THAT HASN'T JUST

DEPRESSED ME MORE.

'CAUSE THEY'RE LYING WHEN THEY

SAY THAT-- OH, I'M 75,

BUT THESE ARE THE GREATEST

YEARS, THESE ARE THE GOLDEN

YEARS.

NO, THEY'RE NOT, YOU DON'T MEAN

THAT.

I HAD A GREAT LIFE, BUT IT

DIDN'T REALLY START KICKING

UNTIL AROUND 72.

THAT'S WHEN I DISCOVERED

BOOZE AND BROADS.

NO... THEY SHOULD RAISE

THE DRINKING AGE TO LIKE, 60

SO YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO LOOK

FORWARD TO AT THIS POINT, RIGHT?

THEY TALK ABOUT THE OLD PEOPLE,

WITH THE VIAGRA, BUT THAT'S NOT

THE POINT, I KNOW IT'S A BIG

WACKY PUNCHLINE, BUT PEOPLE ARE

STILL HAVING SEX IN THEIR 70s--

DO YOU WANT TO STILL BE HAVING

SEX WHEN YOU'RE 75?

(AUDIENCE CHEERS)

WHY?

EWW!

WHO ARE YOU GOING TO BE HAVING

SEX WITH?

OTHER 75-YEAR OLD PEOPLE!

WHEN IN YOUR LIFE HAVE YOU SEEN

SOMEBODY 80 YEARS OLD AND SAY,

OH, YEAH, THE WAY SHE'S SUCKIN'

UP THOSE PEAS THROUGH THAT STRAW

IS MAKING ME HARD AS A ROCK!

I THINK OF THE TIME AND MONEY

AND AMBITION THAT I'VE WASTED

THINKING WITH MY GROIN FOR

THE LAST 33 YEARS, I DON'T WANT

TO BE 90 COMBING MY LAST 3 HAIRS

OVER MY HEAD, MY EGGS DRAGGING

AGAINST THE CARPET--

I THINK SOMETHIN'S COMING MY WAY

TONIGHT!

I FEEL LUCKY!

OOH, LOOK, SHE SMILED AT ME!

THAT'S 'CAUSE YOU (BLEEP) YOUR

PANTS.

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