Jordan Rubin - Sex Stores

  • Season 12 , Ep 8
  • 01/31/2008
  • Views: 4,514

Sex stores are awkward enough, you might as well have fun with the employees. (3:31)

COME UP TO YOU LIKE"YOU'RE A COMEDIAN?SAY SOMETHING FUNNY."

I DON'T GO UPTO FAT PEOPLE LIKE,

"YOU'RE FAT, EAT SOMETHING."YOU KNOW LIKE--

GO AHEAD MUNCH AWAY.MAMAMAMAMMAMAM.

GO UP TO OLD PEOPLE."YOU'RE OLD. DIE. COME ON.

- THAT'S WHAT YOU DO."- [LAUGHTER]

SCARY GETTING OLD.I DON'T WANT TO GET OLD--

YOU KNOW LIKE I DON'TWANT TO DIE OF SOMETHING

THAT TAKES ALONG PERIOD OF TIME.

BUT I ALSO DON'TWANT TO DIE SO SUDDENLY

THAT I CAN'T HIDE MY PORN.YOU KNOW?

SOMEONE'S GOTTA PROTECTTHE ARCHIVES. AND--

I GOT A GERMAN PORNO MOVIETHE OTHER DAY.

IT HAS SUBTITLES.WHICH IS GREAT,

'CAUSE OTHERWISE,I WOULD HAVE HAD NO IDEAWHAT WAS GOING ON.

YOU KNOW, LIKE I REALLY--WAIT A MINUTE.

HE'S TRYING TO DO SOMETHING--OH. HE'S NAUGHTY.

I HAVE A PORNO MOVIEWHERE THEY TRY TO MAKE

THE WOMAN HAVEAN ORGASM IN IT.

OH MY GOD,IT'S LIKE TEN HOURS LONG.

IT'S LIKE A 6-DISC SET. AND--

I LIKE GOING INTO SEX STORESAND TEASING THE PEOPLE

THAT WORK THERE'CAUSE IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD.

AND YOU TO THE COUNTERAND THEY'RE LIKE,

"CAN I HELP YOU?"YOU SAY, "YEAH.

"I WAS THINKING OF BUYING THATDILDO FOR A FRIEND OF MINE.

"YOU'RE ABOUT HIS SIZE.WOULD YOU MIND RAMMING ITUP YOUR [BLEEP] PLEASE."

OR JUST PICK OUT LIKE,THE BIGGEST VIBRATOR THEY HAVE.

PUT IT ON THE COUNTER.THEY'RE LIKE,

"DO YOU WANT A BAG FOR THAT?"GO, "NO, I'LL WEAR IT OUT.

- ACTUALLY, I GOT THIS."- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HOW COME YOU NEVERSEE YOUR EX-GIRLFRIENDWHEN YOU'RE DOING WELL?

IT'S ONLY WHEN, LIKE, YOUHAVEN'T SHOWERED OR SHAVED.

JUST, LIKE,SPRAINED YOUR ANKLE

COMING DOWN THE STEPSTO YOUR APARTMENT.

WALKING DOWN THE STREETLIKE, EH, EH.

"OH HEY, SUZY.HOW ARE YOU DOING?

"OH YOU GOT A NEW JOB?THAT'S GREAT.

"OH, YOU'RE RUNNINGFOR CONGRESS?

I GOTTA GET TO THEPORNO SHOP BEFORE IT CLOSES.

- SEE YA LATER."- [LAUGHTER]

I HATE IT WHEN YOU'REHANGING OUT WITH GIRLS

AND THEY DON'TWANT YOU TO HIT ON THEM.

THEY KEEP MENTIONING THEY HAVEA BOYFRIEND EVERY TWO SECONDS.

LIKE, "WHERE ARE YOU FROM?""ME? I LIVE FAR AWAY."

"OH? WHERE DO YOU LIVE?""BOYFRIENDSVILLE.

"UM, IT'S RIGHT OUTSIDE OFI'M SEEING SOMEONE'S BURG.

"RIGHT BY YOU'LL NEVER GETIN MY PANTS VILLAGE--

"OFF [BLEEP] BLOCK HIGHWAYBY THE BLUE BALL'S MALL.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE THAT IS?DO YOU? DO YA? DO YA KNOW?"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

DO YA KNOW?

WOMEN NEVER HIT ON ME THOUGH.GAY GUYS ALWAYS HIT ON ME.

I DON'T WANT TO BE GAY.I'M STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN

BUT I'M PH BALANCEDFOR A WOMEN, YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH, I SEE IT. I DO.IT'S TRUE. IT'S TRUE.

GAY GUYS ALWAYSHIT ON ME THOUGH.

IT GETS SO ANNOYING.I'LL START TO TEASE THEM.LIKE I'LL BE IN A BAR.

A GUY WILL LOOK OVER AT MEAND SMILE.

JUST TO TEASE HIM,I'LL SMILE BACK.

IF I'M IN A WEIRD MOOD,LIKE, I'LL SEND A DRINK

OVER TO HIS TABLE.YOU KNOW? SILLY ME.

ONCE IN A WHILE,I'LL TAKE HIM BACK TO MY PLACEAND MAKE LOVE TO HIM.

BUT IT'S LIKE,THE NEXT MORNING,

THE JOKE'S ON HIM'CAUSE I'M NOT GAY.

SO THAT'S KINDA--YOU GUYS WERE AWESOME.

THANK YOU SO MUCHFOR COMING OUT.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY COMEDY CENTRAL.

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