Chelsea Peretti - Live in Fear

  • Season 15 , Ep 3
  • 01/11/2011
  • Views: 36,094

Chelsea Peretti has figured out a safe way to accept open drinks from creepy guys. (2:25)

I LIVE IN L.A. NOW,

AND ONE THING I'VE LEARNEDFROM LIVING IN BIG CITIES,

IS THAT IT REALLYDOESN'T MAKE YOU FEEL SAFE,

WHEN YOU'RE WALKING HOMEAT NIGHT, AND SOME GUYS LIKE,

"HEY, GORGEOUS--GET HOME SAFE!"

[audience laughing]

YOU'RE LIKE,"FELT A LITTLE SAFER

"BEFORE YOUJUST SAID THAT.

"WASN'T EVENTHINKING ABOUT SAFETY.

"I WAS KIND OF MAKINGA GROCERY LIST, BUT THANK YOU.

"THANK YOU."

I FEEL PRETTYSAFE IN L.A.

BECAUSE THERE'STREES EVERYWHERE,

AND I'M LIKE, "UM, THERE'STREES-- I'LL BE FINE."

[audience laughing]

AND THEN MY NEIGHBORWAS LIKE, "HEY, CHELSEA,

"JUST SO YOU KNOW, THERE'S BEENA RAPE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD."

I WAS LIKE, "THANK YOU."

LIKE, I DON'T KNOWWHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO DO

WITH THAT INFORMATION--JUST WALK BACKWARDS LIKE,

"DON'T EVEN THINK IT,DON'T EVEN THINK IT.

"I'M WATCHING YOU,I'M WATCHING YOU.

"RAPE, JUST IN CASE.

"OKAY."

LIKE, SHE MIGHT AS WELL JUSTCOME TO MY DOOR AND BE LIKE,

"HEY, CHELSEA,LIVE IN FEAR-- BYE."

[audience laughing]

IT'S USELESS.

AND I ALWAYS THINKWHAT I WOULD DO,

IF SOMEONETRIED TO GET ME.

YOU KNOW,MY FIRST THOUGHT

IS JUST SOMETHING DUMBLIKE I'D TRY TO PICK MY NOSE

AND JUST BE GROSSOR SOMETHING.

LIKE, IN MY MIND, A RAPIST ISJUST SOME WHITE-HAT, FRAT BOY

WHO'D JUST BE LIKE,"AH, NASTY-- FORGET IT.

[applause]

"LEARN SOME MANNERS."

OBVIOUSLY, I DON'T UNDERSTANDHOW IT WORKS AT ALL,

BUT I DON'T EVENWANNA THINK ABOUT IT,

BUT YOU HAVE TO, BECAUSEYOU'LL JUST BE RELAXING,

AND THENSOMEONE'S LIKE,

"DON'T TAKE OPENDRINKS FROM GUYS."

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "AHH!"

BUT I FIGURED OUTA WAY AROUND THAT

WHICH IS WHATIF I GAVE MYSELF

A LITTLE BIT OFROOFIES EVERY DAY, OKAY.

[audience laughing]

SO I START, DAY ONE,IT'S A TINY DOSE, REAL SMALL.

THEN, EVERY DAY, I UP ITAND UP IT AND UP IT.

BY THE END OFA COUPLE OF MONTHS,

I FEEL LIKE I COULDGO TO ANY LOCATION

AND TAKE ADRINK FROM ANYBODY

NO MATTER HOWCREEPY OR FRIGHTENING.

I'M JUST LIKE, "THANK YOU--THANK YOU SO MUCH."

IT'S LIKE THREEIN THE MORNING

AND I'M LIKE,"WHERE WE GOING, GANG?

"WHERE'S THE AFTER AFTER?"

THEY'RE LIKE, "I DON'TGET IT-- SHE IS UN-RAPEABLE."

[audience laughing]

THAT'S MY FANTASY.

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