Owen Benjamin - Public Restrooms for Guys

  • Season 14 , Ep 3
  • 01/11/2010
  • Views: 16,317

When women go to the bathroom together, it's like they're inviting each other to a party. (2:53)

I ENJOY IT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WE'RE ALL PARTYING TONIGHTAFTER THE SHOW.

I'M JUST KIDDING.

BOOZE IS GREAT.

THE BEST PART ABOUT DRINKINGISN'T GETTING DRUNK.

IT'S THAT DRUNK PEE.YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

IT'S LIKE TWO MINUTES,AND IT'S LIKE A MINI ORGASM.

YOU START STANDINGLIKE THE GUY FROM CREED.

YOU'RE LIKE...

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

THE CREED STANCE.

UM...

I DON'T LIKE PUBLIC RESTROOMS,THOUGH, AS A GUY.

I THINK THEY'RE KIND OF CREEPY.

WOMEN SEEM TO LIKE IT.

I KNOW YOU DON'T,BUT YOU ACT LIKE YOU DO.

LIKE, WHENEVER I'M OUTWITH FEMALE FRIENDS

AND THEY GO TO THE BATHROOM,THEY NEVER GO BY THEMSELVES.

IT'S ALMOST LIKE THEY'REINVITING EACH OTHER TO A PARTY,

ISN'T IT?

IT'S LIKE, "I GOT TO PEE.LET'S GO, LADIES."

AND THEN LIKE A UNICORNPICKS THEM UP,

AND THEY GO TO THEIR PEE PARTYIN THE BATHROOM.

IT SEEMS LIKE A FUN EVENTFOR YOU GUYS, YOU KNOW?

NOT FOR GUYS.IT'S NOT A FUN EVENT.

CAN YOU IMAGINE IF I WAS LIKE,"HEY, BRO, YOU WANT TO GO PEE?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"JUST GET ON THE UNICORN.

JUST GET ON MY UNICORN."

I THOUGHT ABOUT IT.WHY IS THIS TRUE?

THERE'S ALWAYS AN ANSWER,YOU KNOW?

LIKE, BATHROOMS ARE LAID OUTBETTER FOR WOMEN.

YOU GET A -- YOU GET A STALL.

IT'S SAFE.YOU KNOW, IT'S YOUR HOME.

IT'S YOUR REAL ESTATE.THAT'S YOUR PEE REAL ESTATE.

YOU FEEL SAFE IN THERE.

NO ONE CAN AFFECT YOU IN THERE.

AND WOMEN ARE POSITIVETO EACH OTHER IN THE BATHROOM.

IT'S GOT A GOOD VIBE, YOU KNOW?

IT'S LIKE YOU GIVE EACHOTHER COMPLIMENTS, YOU KNOW?

YOU TOUCH BASE.

YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE,"TINA, YOU LOOK REALLY GOOD."

"SO DO YOU.YOUR BOOBS LOOK GREAT."

"I KNOW.I JUST GOT THEM."

DON'T LOOK AT THEM.DON'T LOOK AT THEM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

GUYS --IT'S NOT AN ENJOYABLE PLACE.

WE GET --ALL RIGHT, WE GET A URINAL.

WE DON'T GET REAL ESTATE.

IT'S A LITTLE, CREEPY URINAL,RIGHT?

LADIES, YOU KNOW WHATIT FEELS LIKE IN THE ELEVATOR

WHEN YOU'RE IN COMPLETE SILENCEWITH A BUNCH OF STRANGERS?

NOW PUT YOUR PENIS IN YOUR HAND.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WE DON'T GET REAL ESTATE.WE DON'T GET A HOME.

I PRETEND THE TILE'SREALLY INTERESTING.

I'M LIKE, "THAT'S GOOD TILE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND WE'RE NOT STANDINGWITH A FRIEND.

WE'RE STANDING NEXT TO A STRANGEMAN WHO MAY HAVE A MUSTACHE,

WHICH MAKES IT MOREUNCOMFORTABLE FOR SOME REASON.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WE DON'T GIVE EACH OTHERCOMPLIMENTS.

CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT?YOU'RE JUST PEEING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

"THAT'S A SWEET PENIS, BRO."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"THOSE ARE GOOD BALLS.ARE THEY REAL?

"NO WAY!

THAT'S A GOOD PENIS/BALL COMBO.THAT'S REALLY WELL-DONE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

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