Artie Lange - Degenerate Gambler

Artie Lange: The Stench of Failure Season 1, Ep 101 10/18/2014 Views: 2,212

According to Artie Lange, real degenerate gamblers prefer to bet on things that they know absolutely nothing about. (2:20)

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- I'm also a degenerate gambler.I've been for years.

I'm the kind--- Yeah!

- Yeah, there you go.

I can tellby how you're dressed.

And I used to go outwith my buddies.

25 years ago,we'd go to the sports bars.

I'd go out with my friendswho didn't have the disease,

you know, and it'd be likethe Browns and the Chiefs

on Monday Night Football.

And they would go,"I'm going home early."

I go, "Why?"

"It's a boring game--Browns, Chiefs."

I'm like, "What do you mean,it's a boring game?"

"Browns, Chiefs--it's boring.

I don't know anythingabout the game. I'm going home."

I go, "Do you want to make itan exciting game?"

And they'd be like,"What are you talking about?"

I go, "How much money do youhave in your bank account?"

And all my buddiesare, like, roofers.

They go,"I don't know, 600 bucks."

I go, "Put $1,500on the Browns."

"We'll get some cokeand watch it.

It'll be like New Year's Eveat P. Diddy's house."

And they go, "Well, I don't knowanything about the Browns.

Why would I do that?"

I go, "That's whenit's the best,

"when you don't know anythingabout the [bleep] team!

"You don't wantto know anything.

You don't want to do research.Then it's like a job."

I'm talkingabout real degenerate gambling.

You can't know shitabout what you're betting on.

That's why I used to lovethe sportsbook in Vegas, man.

I used to love going therewhen I gambled.

It was, like, the last placea man could be a man--

the sportsbook in Vegas.

You could bet on anything there.They have a line on everything.

You could bet on two kidsplaying Wiffle ball

in Minnesota.

I got you, Timmy,you fat [bleep]!

That slider better be working.

Yeah, I mean, you sit there.

A hot chickis serving you booze.

You got an eight ballin your pocket, you know.

It's when men are men still,you know?

And be--You know, you're bet--

I used to bet on shitthat I knew nothing about.

And people would say to me,"Art, how do you know

you have a gambling problem?"Here's how you know.

If it's 4:00 a.m. and you'reat the sportsbook in Vegas,

and your jaw's going crazy frombad coke that you got, okay?

And you're walking around,

going up to total strangers,asking 'em,

"Hey, did you see thehigh-school lacrosse scores?"

"I got Don Bosco Prepand Ramapo."

[laughs]

They'd be like, "No.We're scared of you, Art."