- Yeah, it's awesome,
and then I can hear, like...[muffled noises]
and then like a...
and a... [muffled noises]
[rhythmic muffled moaning]
And I'm like,"This'll fucking do, man!
[dark electronic music]
- Welcome to"This Is Not Happening."
I'm your host, Ari Shaffir,
and today the topic is crime.
[cheers and applause]
One of the original membersof The Grawlix,
please give it up--right down here beside us--
Mr. Ben Roy, everybody!
- So I had to goto my buddy's wedding,
and it's in Connecticut,'cause that's where
all amazing divorces start,is in Connecticut,
and I end up at this--
they put me up, theyput--because my buddy is not--
doesn't have a lot of money.
They put us all up at a fucking,
like, a Motel 6,
and yeah, it's bullshit.
It's the worst,
and there's no pornographyat all.
For like five straight days,no pornography.
My wife says,"How does a Motel 6
not have pornography?"
How does a Hyatt Regency have--
you know what,if you have a hotel,
you should have porn
graded to the levelof hotel you have.
Now, if you gota Hilton Garden Inn,
yeah, pipe it into the roomthrough Pay-Per-View,
but if I'm at a Motel 6,there should be at least
like a rusty, little lockboxunder the sink
that's filled with, like,Delia's catalog cutouts
that have been culledfrom the neighborhood kids
at the hillsides or something,
but there's fucking nothing,
and I'm drinking too much,on top.
Like, I'm just gettinghammered the entire time,
and I'm just--I am a mess,
and I keep going outand getting drunk,
and then I come backand I'm jerking off
to everything I can find on TV.
I mean, I start with,like, exercise infomercials,
and then I just getmore and more degrading,
like, as it goes, like,
then I start watchingforeign channels,
'cause you knowthey'll show nudity,
but then I'll sit througha Spanish subtitled
fucking 6 1/2 hoursof "Sense and Sensibility"
for one Kate Winslet nipplethat never comes,
and so I'm just miserable.
Then I'm watchingscrambled channels
thinking it's pornography,and it's never porn.
You're like--you're like,"That's a clit.
That's a clitoris right there."
and then the screen straightens
and you've just been jerking off
to a very robustcartoon bear nose
or something like that.
So I'm, like, just gettingreal depraved with it
and I--and I come back one night
and I'm real low and drunk,
and it's cold, and wet,and I'm in my jacket,
and I sit on the edgeof the bed,
and I hear the holy grail
of all things in that moment
which is that the couplein the room behind me
are going the fuck at it.
That is--that'sfucking gold, right?
That's the--that's as goodas pornography right there.
Like, and it's aggressive.
Like, I can hear itjust muffled.
Like, I can hear, like...
And I can--yeah, it's awesome,
and then I can hear, like...[muffled noises]
and then like a... and a...[muffled noises]
[rhythmic muffled moans]
and I'm like,"This'll fucking do, man!
I'm like, "Dude, I can do this."
So I get, like, real fevered.
I start--I justpull my pants off complete--
my underwear, but I leavemy jacket on.
I'm real excitedabout all of it,
and I don't take my shoes off.
It gives me traction
'cause I can push backinto the bed, right?
And then I widen my legsout real wide,
bud, all right,get them real wide
for better sexualreception, right?
So it acts like a satellite dishand just--
I sit there, and I'm pumped now.
I'm real hard, and then I decide
I'm just gonna start,
and I start witha slow, honeymoon jerk
because I don't want to gotoo quick.
I want to savor it, right?
So I start with justa slow top to bottom
but I'm already into it,
and so I just--I start going.
I'm ice chiseling.
I'm really gettinginto it, right?
I'm carving myselfout of ice right now.
Like, I'm really going to townlike I'm one of those
old cigarette machines thatjust ate all of my quarters.
I'm really just...
[violent grumbling]Come on!
You know what I mean,
and I'm just, I'm going,
and then after a minuteit's not doing it.
This isn't doing it.
It's not enough,
as it is with most dudes.
So I decide that I bet
that if I get up on the bed
and I press my ear to the wall,
now I can hear details.
So with my boots--my shoes still on,
still in my jacket,I get up on the bed
and I put my foot up on the--
the headrest, and I lean my ear
against the wall,
and I can hear it clear as day,
and I'm laying real still
to not pull my earoff the wall, right?
And now I'm jerking itlike this.
I looked likethe most disconcerting
little army green manin the package.
Like, one that shouldn'thave been made.
Real controversial, right?
So now I'm going to town,
and I'm really going at it,
and I'm like, "Oh, yeah,this is so fucking good."
[moaning]Oh, oh, oh, oh, God.
And then I realize
these two aren't having sex.
is beating the shitout of this woman.
Fuck--I'm not condoningdomestic violence.
I'm masturbating to it,
and those are two fuckingtotally different things.
Every guy will tell youthat we masturbate
to shit we don't condoneall the time,
and I know this isn't right.
I'm aware of that,
but I'm fucked here
because what do I do?
Seems like an easy decision
with your rose-covered
hindsight glasses on,doesn't it?
But I'm in a bad situation
because if I don't come,
okay, if I stop right now, okay,
then I got to go toa wedding tomorrow morning
in terror alert red, okay?
There's requisite couplesdancing.
There's polyester pants.
I'm bound to get an erectionwith my buddy's mom
and there's no wayto hide that at all.
You ever try to hidean erection?
Every detail comes outin polyester.
It looks like Han Solo frozenin carbonite, okay?
So I'm fucked,
but then if I don't stop--and my grandmother was right,
and someone's really gonnaget hurt by my masturbation.
So here's what I decide.
It's late at night,and I realize
that there are always,like, there's never anybody
at the front deskat these hotels, right?
I bet that I canpick up the phone,
press it to my ear,finish the job, right,
before she picks up,
effectively killingtwo gooey birds
with one stone, right?
So here's what I do.
I pick up the phone.
I press it to my ear.
I hit zero.
I start going, and I'm going--
she picks up like that,immediately,
and I'm the middle of coming,and all I can get out is...
[breathy]"There's trouble in 318."
[laughter and applause]
Now, any guy will tell you
that the minute you come,
you are thrust back
into the full weight
of whatever situation you're in
because come is just fantasy
condensed downto a liquid format,
and then you heave itfrom your body.
So instantly I was like...
"What the fuck am I doing?
Oh--and all kinds of weird stuff
starts going through your headin that moment.
Like, you think weird things.
Like I was like,"I hope that
Truman Show shit isn't real."
Holy--we just lost a bunchof sponsors tonight,
I can tell you that much.
So that night they, like,
they, like, knocked on my door.
I didn't answer.
The cops did,after they broke it up
and they split them apartand everything,
and, uh, in the morning,uh, the day--
I went through the lobby,and, uh, the manager was there
and he's like,"I'd like to thank you
"for calling the police.
We'd like to comp your room."
And I said yeah.
I took it,
but really what I wantedto say was,
"No, you charge me twice...
"Once for me and...
once for the part of myselfI left in that room."
You guys are awesome.Thanks.
My name's Ben Roy.Have a great night.