Eliot Chang - Makes the World Better

  • Season 14 , Ep 19
  • 01/11/2010
  • Views: 9,267

Eliot Chang loses control of his inner voice when he sees a really hot ass on the street. (2:46)

I'M SORRY.I LOVE WOMEN. I LOVE WOMEN.

YOU KNOW WHAT MY FAVORITE PARTOF A WOMAN'S BODY IS?

HER ASS. HER ASS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

AND GUYS KNOWWHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

GUYS, HAVE YOU EVER BEEN WALKINGAROUND THE CITY,

AND FROM BEHIND YOU SEEA REALLY HOT GIRL'S ASS?

IT'S REALLY HOT. LIKE, YOU WANTTO HIGH-FIVE THAT [BLEEP]

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU WANT TO WRITE A BLOGABOUT IT.

LIKE, "EVERYONE, YOU'LL NEVERBELIEVE WHAT I SAW TODAY.

HERE'S A PICTURE FROM MY PHONE.OH, MY GOD."

AND YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW WHENA GIRL'S ASS IS REALLY HOT?

YOU KNOW WHAT'S MY LITMUS TEST?

WHEN I LOSE CONTROL OVERTHE VOLUME OF MY INNER VOICE...

'CAUSE I SEE THE ASS,AND I'M LIKE, "NICE! OH."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I MEANT TO THINK THAT."

[ IMITATES EXPLOSION ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

AND, LADIES, WHAT YOU DON'T KNOWIS IF YOUR ASS IS REALLY NICE,

WE'LL FOLLOW IT.

AND, LADIES,YOU KNOW WHY WE FOLLOW IT?

WE JUST WANT TO SEE WHAT YOULOOK LIKE WHEN YOU TURN AROUND,

'CAUSE IF YOU'RE HOT HEREAND YOU'RE HOT HERE,

IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY!

[ APPLAUSE ]

I DON'T CARE IF I EVER MEET HER.I'M JUST HAPPY SHE EXISTS.

SHE MAKES THE WORLDA BETTER PLACE.

I JUST WANT TO WALK UP TO HER

AND BE LIKE, "THANK YOU,"AND JUST WALK AWAY.

AND SHE'S LIKE,"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

"YOU'LL READ ABOUT IT ONLINE.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT,ALL RIGHT?"

BUT IF SHE TURNS AROUNDAND SHE'S UGLY,

I FEEL BETRAYED.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I GET ANGRY.

I WALK UP TO HER LIKE,"HEY! YOU LIED TO ME!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"WHAT IS THIS?!

"THAT IS NOTWHAT YOU PROMISED ME!

"YOU ARE A LIAR, ASS!

"NO, YOU AND ME ARE COOL.IT'S BETWEEN ME AND ASS.

I DON'T LIKE BEING ASS-SWINDLED,ALL RIGHT?"

AND I KNOW SOME WOMEN ARE LIKE,

"OH, MY GOD.THIS IS HORRIBLE.

YOU'RE OBJECTIFYING US."

LADIES, LET'S BE REAL.

YOU DON'T DRESS LIKE THAT

BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT USTO LOOK.

YOU DON'T PUT THE WORD "JUICY"ON YOUR ASS

AND NOT EXPECT US TO READ IT,ALL RIGHT?

AND, BY THE WAY, THAT ISTHE WORST WORD TO PUT --

IF YOUR ASS IS JUICY,SEE A DOCTOR.

[ LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE ]

THAT IS NOT SOMETHINGYOU BRAG ABOUT.

THAT IS SOMETHINGYOU KEEP TO YOURSELF.

IF YOU'RE GONNA PUT "JUICY"ON THE BACK,

JUST PUT "ITCHY" ON THE FRONT.

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