Matt Braunger - Drunk Batman

  • Season 14 , Ep 15
  • 01/11/2010
  • Views: 14,369

Matt Braunger explains why getting drunk in costume is one of the greatest gifts God has ever given us. (3:19)

LOVE HALLOWEEN.IT'S THE BEST.

HALLOWEEN'S GREAT, MAN.

SO MANY OTHER HOLIDAYS, LIKE,THEY KIND OF LOSE THEIR LUSTER,

YOU KNOW, LIKE CHRISTMAS,

AND I'D IMAGINE HANUKKAHKIND OF, YOU KNOW, GETS --

I WASN'T MOTIONING TO ANYONE,BY THE WAY.

YES, YOU.WHAT?

[ CHUCKLES ]

BUT, YOU KNOW, IT DOESN'T --IT'S NOT AS FUN AFTER A WHILE.

LIKE, HALLOWEEN NOT ONLYSTAYS FUN, BUT GETS FUNNER,

YOU KNOW, IF THAT'S A WORD.

LIKE,HALLOWEEN WHEN YOU'RE A KID,

YOU DRESS UP IN A COSTUME,FREE CANDY.

YOU KNOW, YOU GROW UP, DRESS UPIN A COSTUME, DRUNK AS BALLS.

IT'S AWESOME, YOU KNOW?

AND I HAVE THOSE A-HOLE FRIENDSTHAT ARE LIKE,

"OH, I DON'T DRESS UPIN A COSTUME ANYMORE.

I'M A GROWN-UP.I'M 28."

[BLEEP] YOU.OKAY. RIGHT?

I MEAN, COME ON.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

FIRST OFF, 28 IS NOT GROWN UP.

YOU'RE NOT AN ADULTTILL YOU HIT 40.

OKAY, THAT'S THE RULE.OKAY?

AND SECOND OFF,GETTING DRUNK IN COSTUME

IS ONE OF THE GREATEST GIFTSGOD HAS EVER GIVEN US, OKAY?

IT'S JUST TRUE.

IT'S JUST TRUE.

YOU KNOW HOW FUN IT ISBEING DRUNK BATMAN?

YOU KNOW,TRYING TO SOLVE THE CASE

OF WHY AM I NOT PISSING ONMY BEST FRIEND'S CAR RIGHT NOW.

OH, CASE CLOSED, YOU KNOW?

"BRAUNGER,QUIT PISSING ON MY CAR!"

"WHO'S BRAUNGER?I'M BATMAN...

TAKING A BAT-PISS!"

[ MUMBLING ]

WHICH IS THE DRUNK BATMAN THEME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M ALWAYS --I'M ALWAYS DRUNK SUPERMAN

OR DRUNK SOMETHING,I SHOULD SAY, FOR HALLOWEEN.

DRUNK SUPERMAN, DRUNK BATMAN,DRUNK JESUS, YOU KNOW?

YOU KNOW, LIKE HOW WOMEN OFTENWILL BE LIKE SEXY SOMETHING --

SEXY NURSE, SEXY DOCTOR,SEXY EXECUTIONER, YOU KNOW?

WHICH, UH -- HEY.[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YOU KNOW THAT ONE?

IT'S A BIKINI AND A BLACK HOOD.

SO HOT, YOU KNOW?

IT'S AWESOME.

BUT ONE YEAR I WAS --I JUST PHONED IT IN.

LIKE, I WAS DRUNK SUPERMAN,

BUT I HAD, LIKE,JUST A SUPERMAN T-SHIRT ON

AND A BEARD AND LONG HAIR.

LIKE, SUPERMAN REALLYLET HIMSELF GO, YOU KNOW?

AND I WAS IN A LAUNDROMAT,RIGHT, DOING MY LAUNDRY, DRUNK.

'CAUSE WHEN YOU'RE 22,THAT'S WHAT YOU DO, RIGHT?

AND SO I'M THERE, AND THIS LADYCOMES IN WITH HER TODDLER,

AND THIS KID'S LIKE, "SUPERMAN!"RIGHT?

AND I'M LIKE...

"♪ BUH-BUH-BUH-BUH "

YOU KNOW, LIKE,SCREWING UP THE THEME.

AND THE MOM'S LIKE, "YES, HONEY,HE'S WEARING A SUPERMAN T-SHIRT,

YOU KNOW, BUT HE'S NOT SUPER--"

AND GIVES ME A LOOK LIKE,

"DON'T LET MY KID THINKYOU'RE SUPERMAN," YOU KNOW?

AND 'CAUSE SHE DID THAT,I WAS LIKE,

"BUT I AM SUPERMAN," YOU KNOW?

WOULD NOT LET IT GO.

AND SHE --SHE DRAGS THE KID AWAY, RIGHT?

AND WHAT I SHOULD HAVE DONE --I WAS DRUNK.

I SHOULD HAVE --INSTEAD OF, YOU KNOW, SAYING,

"BUT I AM SUPERMAN,"I SHOULD HAVE PROVED IT.

I SHOULD HAVE RUN RIGHT THROUGHTHE PLATE-GLASS WALL

OF THE LAUNDROMAT, YOU KNOW,JUST -- "SOMEONE'S IN TROUBLE!"

AND JUST GO, YOU KNOW,RIGHT THROUGH IT.

AND THAT KID WOULD HAVE GROWN UPTHINKING HE SAW SUPERMAN.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

HE WOULD HAVE BEENLIKE 50 YEARS OLD, LIKE,

"NO, YOU GUYS, SUPERMAN'S REAL.NO, HE'S A REAL GUY.

HE'S A [BLEEP] DRUNK!"

OH, MY GOD.

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