Kurt Metzger - Heckled by the Captain

Kurt Metzger: White Precious Season 1, Ep 101 07/11/2014 Views: 4,864

While doing a show in Brooklyn, Kurt Metzger sees a hipster's fashion choice that he doesn't appreciate. (2:13)

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And one time I go on--

just 'cause I was in Brooklyn,you know,

in, like, a hip roomwith these young--

I don't--I don't gel with them.

And so there's a guysitting in front

with a sea captain hat on,

like, a little sea captain hat

and a little captain jacket.

And I make one jokeabout his hat--

and by the way, not--

he wasn't wearing thisfor honest gay reasons,

you know, like, really,like, acceptable--

perfectly acceptable.

You're gay.

"Oh, you're gay?Fantastic hat, sir.

Let's--you know what?I respect your hat."

No, he was on a date.

He was trying to get [bleep]with that hat, dude.

That was a [bleep]-gettin'captain hat.

So I make one jokeabout his hat.

And then he goes like this,"Really?"

Like--like I'm out of line.

[scoffs]

If you saw--this guy looked like

he flew on a hot air balloon

to, like, teach kids aboutreading at the show.

I don't even knowwhat he was doing there.

Now I'm crazy to saysomething.

And by the way--I don't know.

I'm not better than anybody,okay?

I don't care how you dress.

Like, I understandyou have to dress

a certain kind of wayto get a certain kind of tail.

That is whatyou have to do, right?

If you're trying to get--this is hipster town--

trying to land yourselfa girl

that dresses likethe world's youngest grandma.

You can't justnot wear a sea captain hat

when you do that.

Got to have a captain hat.

Just doing that--

But just wink at me.

I'm not also a dippy girlwith purple hair--

like, you understand?

I'm not enchantedby your whimsy,

'cause I also have a penis.

So just, like, acknowledge--

Like, "I know, dude.I'm just--

"I'm trying to trick this--

"I'm trying to trickthis woman

into sitting on my penis,so I had to"--

But that's likewhen people have a type.

You know, I don't--

Do you have a typethat you go for?

No?Me neither, man.

I don't havethose kind of privileges.

To have my type.

I just got to cast my netand catch what I catch.

Sometimesit's fresh young tuna.

Sometimes it's an old boot.

I'm just gratefulto the ocean

for providing meanother day.

Oh...

[cheers and applause]