Jeremy Schachter - Cockroaches and Mice

Season 2, Ep 0201 05/17/2007 Views: 6,615

A couch is just another thing for mice to hide behind. (2:37)

(crowd whooping)


Sucks when you have no money.

It's very difficultto meet girls.

The other night,I'm at this bar,

and this cute girlcomes up to me,

which is weirdto begin with, right?


(chuckles):That's not the joke, but okay.

She comes up to me,she's like, "Hey."

And I'm like, "Hmm?"

I'm like, "What's going on?"

And she's like,"You want to buy me a drink?"

And I was like, "Uh, no.

"No, I don't.

"How about you justtake the rest of mine?

"It's water, and I filled it up

in the bathroom,but I'm sure..."


It's very difficult to impresswomen when you have no money.

When I first movedinto my apartment,

I had no furniturefor, like, six months.

So whenever a girl wouldcome over for the first time,

I'd have to act likeI just got robbed.

I'd be like,"Oh, yeah, come on in.

"I got lots of cool stuff here.

"Let me just get my keys here.One second.

"Ah, (bleep)!

"I got robbed!

"Ah, man, he took everything--my indoor pool,

"my piles of money.

Oh, thank God they leftthis air mattress."


My apartment sucks, man.

I have furniture now,which is good, right?

Sometimes, someone willthrow away a couch.

You grab it, you bring itin your house.

It stinks, right?

But I've discovered thata couch is really just

nothing other than a placefor mice to hide behind, right?

Which sucks, but I wouldmuch rather have a mouse

than a cockroachany day of the week, right?

'Cause a mouse is kind of cute.

Like, you all saw Fievel, right?

And a mouse feels bad aboutthe whole situation, you know?

Like, a mouse doesn'twant you to catch him

any more than you wantto see him in the first place.

Have you ever caught a mouse?

He's just kind of like, "Sorry,sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

My bad, my bad, my bad."



"Just looking for some cheese."

But a cockroach is like,"What's up, mother (bleep)?!"


That's how cockroaches dance.

Cockroaches are gross, though.

It doesn't evensound like a bug.

It just sounds likethe world's worst STD.

It's like, "You hear aboutCindy? She's got crabs."

"That's nothing.Bob-- cockroaches."

(chuckles):That's right.

Cock... roaches.