Vic Henley - Southern Presidents

  • Season 9, Ep 16
  • 05/28/2005
  • Views: 7,096

I LIVE HERE.

I'VE BEEN HERE FOR ABOUT

20 YEARS.

I ALWAYS FOUND IT WAS FUNNY

WHEN THE NEW YORKERS WOULD

SCREW WITH ME AND THE WAY

I TALK, LIKE THE NEW YORKERS

ARE SUCH AN ARTICULATE GROUP OF

INDIVIDUALS.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU'RE PICKING ON ME AND

YOU'RE GOING, "BOBBY, TONY,

COME OVER HERE.

LOOK AT THIS GUY.

HE SOUNDS SO STUPID."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

RIGHT?

THOSE ARE THE WOMEN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S NOT THE ACCENT YOU WANT

TO HEAR NAKED, FOLKS.

TRUST ME.

YOU KNOW I DON'T WANT TO BE

LYING IN BED, HEARING,

"YO, YOU'RE TOUCHING ME LIKE

NO MAN HAS."

[LAUGHTER]

AND NEVER WILL AGAIN, THANKS.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

THAT'S WHAT YOU HAVE TO

DEAL WITH AS A SOUTHERN PERSON

THOUGH.

ANY TIME YOU LEAVE THE SOUTH,

I THINK EVERYBODY IN AMERICA

PRETTY MUCH...

IF YOU'RE NOT FROM THE SOUTH,

EVERYBODY FROM THE NORTH

THINKS EVERYBODY FROM THE SOUTH

IS JUST SITTING AROUND BAREFOOT

WEARING OVERALLS EATING GRITS,

WATCHING HEE HAW, LISTENING TO

COUNTRY MUSIC, DRINKING

JACK DANIELS, GOING TO

TRACTOR PULLS, WEARING

TRUCKER CAPS, DIPPING SKOAL,

PICKING COTTON, RIDING AROUND IN

PICKUP TRUCKS, HAVING SEX WITH

OUR RELATIVES AND LOOKING FOR

UFO'S...

[LAUGHTER]

AND THAT'S NOT TRUE.

IT'S NOT.

I'VE NEVER SEEN A UFO.

[LAUGHTER]

AND SECOND COUSINS DON'T COUNT.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

WELL, IF EVERYBODY FROM

THE SOUTH IS SUCH A BUNCH OF

DUMBASSES, THEN WHY IS THE

PRESIDENT ALWAYS FROM THE SOUTH,

EVERYBODY?

[LAUGHTER]

THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE,

DOES IT?

DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU'RE

DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN.

GEORGE BUSH IS FROM TEXAS.

BILL CLINTON WAS FROM ARKANSAS.

GEORGE BUSH THE FIRST TIME,

TEXAS.

RONALD REAGAN THOUGHT HE WAS A

COWBOY.

I'M COUNTING THAT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

RIGHT?

AND JIMMY CARTER WAS FROM

GEORGIA.

SO THAT'S PRETTY MUCH 28 SOLID

YEARS OF "YEEOOO!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S THE VOICE IN CHARGE,

EVERYBODY.

GOOBER'S GOT THE KEYS TO THE

BIG HOUSE.

UNCLE JED'S DRIVING THE BUS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

HILLBILLY'S A HILLBILLY.

YOU CAN PAINT A PUMPKIN BLACK.

THAT DOESN'T TURN IT INTO A

BOWLING BALL.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T KN

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