Brian Scolaro - Italian Food

  • Season 13 , Ep 4
  • 01/11/2009
  • Views: 11,590

A good Italian waiter will scare the hell out of you. (2:07)

I SAW MY FRIEND SHARONWALKING DOWN THE STREET.

I HAVEN'T SEEN SHARONIN A FEW YEARS.

DID YOU EVER DO THIS?

LIKE, YOU SEE A FRIEND COMING,

AND YOU, LIKE, HIDEBEHIND A BUSH OR SOMETHING,

YOU JUST JUMP OUTAND SCARE YOUR FRIENDS?

I DO THAT A LOT.SHARON'S COMING.

I'M HIDING BEHIND A PARKED CAR,YOU KNOW.

I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT."[ MUMBLING ]

[ SCREAMING ]

WASN'T SHARON.

[ LAUGHTER ]

JUST SCARED THE HELLOUT OF SOME GIRL, YOU KNOW?

SO I HAD TO THINK OF SOMETHINGREALLY FAST, YOU KNOW,

SO I JUST STOLE HER PURSEAND TOOK OFF RUNNING, SO...

[ LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE ]

SHE WON'T BE BOTHERING ANYBODY.

I'M A BIG GUY.

I SCARE EASILY --I MEAN, I SCARE PEOPLE EASILY.

HOW DO YOU LOSE WEIGHTWHEN YOU'RE FAT?

WHAT DO YOU DO?DO YOU JOG?

YOU EVER SEE A FAT GUYRUNNING DOWN THE STREET?

IT'S LIKE, "OH, WHAT? IS KRISPYKREME ABOUT TO CLOSE, MAN?"

THE ONLY THING FUNNIERTHAN A FAT GUY RUNNING

IS A FAT GUY FALLING.

WHY IS THAT --WHY IS THAT EXTRA FUNNY?

YOU REMEMBER ITFOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

IT WAS 1985. I SAW A FAT GUYFALL DOWN THE STAIRS.

SANDWICHES WERE FALLINGOUT OF HIS [BLEEP] POCKETS.

NEVER FORGET IT.

MY BIG THING ISI LIKE TO EAT OUT, YOU KNOW?

I LIKE -- IT'S GOOD TO BEBACK IN NEW YORK

WHERE THERE'S, LIKE,ACTUAL ITALIAN FOOD, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, I'M FROM HERE,BUT I MOVED TO CALIFORNIA,

AND THERE'S NOTA LOT OF GOOD ITALIAN FOOD.

I LIKE COMING HERE

WHERE THE WAITERS, LIKE,SCARE THE HELL OUT OF YOU.

A GOOD ITALIAN WAITERWILL JUST SCARE YOU, YOU KNOW?

HE'S GOT A CURLY MUSTACHE,YOU KNOW, WHITE APRON.

HE'S LIKE, "OH, BRIAN, BRIAN,

"I'M GONNA MAKE YOUA VEAL PARMESAN.

"IT'S GONNA BE SO [BLEEP] NICE.

YOU'RE GONNA [BLEEP] DIE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"YOU'RE GONNA [BLEEP] DIERIGHT HERE.

"EVERY BITE --LIKE GETTING SHOT IN THE FACE.

"YOU GONNA TAKE A KNIFEOFF THE TABLE

"AND PUT IT RIGHT INYOUR [BLEEP] EYE

"'CAUSE YOU'RE NEVER GONNA SEEVEAL PARMESAN THIS GOOD AGAIN.

"YOU GONNA TAKE A NEEDLEAND A THREAD

"AND YOU'RE GONNA SEW UPYOUR ASS CHEEKS

JUST TO KEEP THE VEAL PARMESANINSIDE YOU."

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