YOU KNOW, THE RIGHTISTS SAY,
"WELL, AMERICA'S LOST ITS
MORAL COMPASS."
WE'VE LOST OUR MORAL COMPASSES.
WE'RE AN EVIL, CORRUPT PLACE.
ARE WE REALLY?
MAYBE WE ARE OR MAYBE IT'S JUST
THAT ALL THE EVIL'S IN OUR FACES
NOW BECAUSE IT BECOMES OBVIOUS
AND EVERYONE KNOWS ABOUT IT.
LOOK AT THOMAS JEFFERSON.
THE GUY HAD ILLEGITIMATE KIDS IN
THE 1700s AND THEY CAUGHT HIM
LAST YEAR.
[LAUGHTER]
I MEAN, IF YOU CHEAT ON YOUR
WIFE AND YOU COVER IT UP FOR
200 YEARS, YOU'RE PRETTY MUCH
THINKING YOU'RE HOME FREE,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
[LAUGHTER]
EVERYTHING'S RIGHT IN YOUR FACE.
THAT IS TRUE.
EVERYBODY'S JUST OPEN ABOUT
EVERY EVIL THING THEY DO.
PEOPLE USED TO DO EVIL [BLEEP]
ALL THE TIME, BUT THEY KEPT IT
QUIET.
NOW IT'S LIKE--
THERE WAS A TIME IN OUR HISTORY
WHERE IF YOU GOT PREGNANT AND
YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHO THE FATHER
WAS, YOU THOUGHT, "WOW, I'M A
WHORE.
[LAUGHTER]
I SHOULD HAVE KEPT BETTER TRACK.
HOW DID I LOSE TRACK?
HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?
I SHOULD HAVE KEPT A SIGN-IN
PAGE OR A JOURNAL OR SOMETHING."
AND YOU'D MAKE UP A LIE TO TELL
THE KID, "YOUR FATHER WAS A
HERO.
HE DIED IN THE WAR."
AND THEN THE KID WILL GROW UP
AND THINK, "WAIT A MINUTE.
WE NEVER WENT TO WAR WITH
HOLLAND IN THE '70s.
WHAT KIND OF GARBAGE LIE WAS
THAT?"
BUT AT LEAST YOU TRIED.
YOU CAN GO ON THE MAURY
POVICH SHOW AND SPIN A BIG
WHEEL TO SEE WHICH TOOTHLESS
MULLET HEAD WAS YOUR BABY DADDY.
[LAUGHTER]
"I SCREWED ALL Y'ALL.
ALL Y'ALL MY BABY DADDY.
I SCREWED ALL OF YOU, YOU,
AND YOU, AND YOU.
HE LOOKS JUST LIKE YOU WITH
THE NO TEETH AND THE DROOL
AND THE BALD HEAD."
HE'S LIKE "YOU DID ME IN MY
BUTT.
YOU CAN'T GET PREGNANT THAT
WAY."
[LAUGHTER]
OF COURSE THE MADONNA THING.
YOU KNOW, PEOPLE WERE
CRITICIZING THAT, THE MADONNA.
YOU KNOW THAT WAS SO CORRUPT.
MADONNA KISSING BRITNEY ON
NATIONAL TELEVISION.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'VE GOT TO BE HONEST.
TO ME, IT WAS LIKE WATCHING MY
GRANDMOTHER KISS MY BABY SISTER.
AND BY THAT, I MEAN HOT AS HELL.
[LAUGHTER]
THAT WAS PRETTY DAMN HOT,
ALTHOUGH IT'S MADONNA.
YOU'D THINK SHE COULD HAVE
AMPED IT UP A LITTLE BIT.
YOU KNOW, SHE'S DOING THE SAME
TRICKS THAT DRUNKEN SORORITY
GIRLS USE ON SPRING BREAK FOR
SHOCK VALUE.
I MEAN, IT'S MADONNA.
THE LEAST SHE COULD HAVE DONE
OLSEN TWINS.
WAS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?
[A