Greg Giraldo - America's Moral Compass

  • Season 8 , Ep 18
  • 04/01/2004
  • Views: 10,109

Nowadays, everyone is open about every evil thing they do. (1:41)

YOU KNOW, THE RIGHTISTS SAY,

"WELL, AMERICA'S LOST ITS

MORAL COMPASS."

WE'VE LOST OUR MORAL COMPASSES.

WE'RE AN EVIL, CORRUPT PLACE.

ARE WE REALLY?

MAYBE WE ARE OR MAYBE IT'S JUST

THAT ALL THE EVIL'S IN OUR FACES

NOW BECAUSE IT BECOMES OBVIOUS

AND EVERYONE KNOWS ABOUT IT.

LOOK AT THOMAS JEFFERSON.

THE GUY HAD ILLEGITIMATE KIDS IN

THE 1700s AND THEY CAUGHT HIM

LAST YEAR.

[LAUGHTER]

I MEAN, IF YOU CHEAT ON YOUR

WIFE AND YOU COVER IT UP FOR

200 YEARS, YOU'RE PRETTY MUCH

THINKING YOU'RE HOME FREE,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

[LAUGHTER]

EVERYTHING'S RIGHT IN YOUR FACE.

THAT IS TRUE.

EVERYBODY'S JUST OPEN ABOUT

EVERY EVIL THING THEY DO.

PEOPLE USED TO DO EVIL [BLEEP]

ALL THE TIME, BUT THEY KEPT IT

QUIET.

NOW IT'S LIKE--

THERE WAS A TIME IN OUR HISTORY

WHERE IF YOU GOT PREGNANT AND

YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHO THE FATHER

WAS, YOU THOUGHT, "WOW, I'M A

WHORE.

[LAUGHTER]

I SHOULD HAVE KEPT BETTER TRACK.

HOW DID I LOSE TRACK?

HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?

I SHOULD HAVE KEPT A SIGN-IN

PAGE OR A JOURNAL OR SOMETHING."

AND YOU'D MAKE UP A LIE TO TELL

THE KID, "YOUR FATHER WAS A

HERO.

HE DIED IN THE WAR."

AND THEN THE KID WILL GROW UP

AND THINK, "WAIT A MINUTE.

WE NEVER WENT TO WAR WITH

HOLLAND IN THE '70s.

WHAT KIND OF GARBAGE LIE WAS

THAT?"

BUT AT LEAST YOU TRIED.

YOU CAN GO ON THE MAURY

POVICH SHOW AND SPIN A BIG

WHEEL TO SEE WHICH TOOTHLESS

MULLET HEAD WAS YOUR BABY DADDY.

[LAUGHTER]

"I SCREWED ALL Y'ALL.

ALL Y'ALL MY BABY DADDY.

I SCREWED ALL OF YOU, YOU,

AND YOU, AND YOU.

HE LOOKS JUST LIKE YOU WITH

THE NO TEETH AND THE DROOL

AND THE BALD HEAD."

HE'S LIKE "YOU DID ME IN MY

BUTT.

YOU CAN'T GET PREGNANT THAT

WAY."

[LAUGHTER]

OF COURSE THE MADONNA THING.

YOU KNOW, PEOPLE WERE

CRITICIZING THAT, THE MADONNA.

YOU KNOW THAT WAS SO CORRUPT.

MADONNA KISSING BRITNEY ON

NATIONAL TELEVISION.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'VE GOT TO BE HONEST.

TO ME, IT WAS LIKE WATCHING MY

GRANDMOTHER KISS MY BABY SISTER.

AND BY THAT, I MEAN HOT AS HELL.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT WAS PRETTY DAMN HOT,

ALTHOUGH IT'S MADONNA.

YOU'D THINK SHE COULD HAVE

AMPED IT UP A LITTLE BIT.

YOU KNOW, SHE'S DOING THE SAME

TRICKS THAT DRUNKEN SORORITY

GIRLS USE ON SPRING BREAK FOR

SHOCK VALUE.

I MEAN, IT'S MADONNA.

THE LEAST SHE COULD HAVE DONE

OLSEN TWINS.

WAS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?

[A

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