Hannibal Buress - Hand in Pocket

  • Season 3 , Ep 0308
  • 07/25/2008
  • Views: 33,935

When the cashier at the grocery store asked Hannibal why he had his hand in his pocket, he wished he had a nub. (3:05)

I had my hand in my pocket.

For no reason I just hadmy hand in my pocket.

The cashier was like,"Hey, brother,

why you got your handin your pocket?"

And that was the firstand only time in my life

that I wish thatI had a nub.

(laughter)

'Cause I'd be like,

"Sir, this isn't a hand,this is a nub."

(laughter and applause)

"I lost my hand

"in a horrible accident.

And I keep the nub in my pocket'cause it's unsightly."

(laughter)

Then I would havestared him in the face

for 30 seconds solid.

He'd have got uncomfortable."Hey, brother, you want

some free shirts or something?"

I'd be like, "Yeah,I'll take that in blue.

I mean, that in blue."

Can you point with a nub?I don't know.

I don't know if you canpoint with a nub.

I guess it depends if it's a lotof stuff close together...

'cause in that case,you need the precision

that only an index fingercan provide you.

But if it's something by itself,

I guess you can pointwith a nub.

(scattered applause)

My neighborhood's weird.

I'm pretty sure thecrack dealers in my neighborhood

are working togetherwith the pawnshops.

'Cause why is there a 24-hourpawnshop in my neighborhood?

Regular people don't wake upat 4:00 in the morning, like...

(yawning)

"I feel like sellingmy microwave.

(laughter)

"You know, I just really feellike selling something

"at ten percentof its value.

I just feel likeselling something."

I have weird aspirations.

Like, I really wantto kick a pigeon.

(laughter and applause)

'Cause pigeons walk aroundlike they're invincible.

Like, you're not invincible.

I'll kick the hell out of you.

You're not waiting for the bus'cause you can fly.

I can't kick pigeons

'cause there's alwayspeople around...

and if I kick a pigeon,some woman will say,

"Oh, my gosh, that guy justkicked a pigeon

in broad daylight."

She go homeand tell her husband,

"Honey, I saw this guy kicka pigeon in broad daylight."

Her husband tell his boss,"My wife said

this guy kicked a pigeonin broad daylight."

His boss knows somebodyat the paper.

Next thing you know,front page--

"Black Dudes Are KickingPigeons.

"There's been a flurryof pigeon kicking

"going onin the black community.

"It must be stopped at once.

"Save the pigeons.

"Got to stop these P.K.B.P's--

"pigeon-kicking-black-people.

Save the pigeons."

Acronyms are hilarious.

I don't know why I wantto kick a pigeon.

I just figured it wouldmake my day better.

So I kick a pigeonin the morning,

something bad happensthat evening,

I'm like, "You know what,that happened,

"but I kicked a pigeon earlier.

It was relaxingand invigorating."

I want to have the pigeonkicking Olympics.

Where you get judged

by the distance thatyou kick the pigeon...

the number of feathers you kickoff the pigeon...

and the octave of the squawk.

When you kick the pigeonlike a high-pitched...

like, "Ooh."

That's a gold medal right there.

You kicked the hell outof that pigeon.

You're a goddamn warrior.

You deserve your own statuein the park like, yeah...

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