Natasha Leggero - Diamond Pussy

Natasha Leggero: Live at Bimbo's Season 1, Ep 101 08/22/2015 Views: 6,608

Natasha Leggero's latest music video follows her through a typical day of booty airbrushing and prehistoric mud baths. (4:44)

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(cell phone rings)

Hello?

Yeah, yeah,Natty Legs.

The people wantanother performance.Oh, God.

You got to give it to 'em; yougot to give 'em what they want.

I got to getmy ready on.

You got to getout there, Natty.

Natty Legs, bitch.

♪ I got a show tonightat the comedy joint ♪

♪ But before I hit the stage,I get my shit on point ♪

♪ I get my muscles loosewith the Jacuzzi fog ♪

♪ Then I get a portrait paintedof me and my dog ♪

♪ I sit for a portraitof me and Mayor Cutie ♪

♪ Then I get it airbrushedon by booty ♪

♪ Then they paint in on a cake,I only take one bite ♪

♪ (bleep) those starving kids,gotta keep my "sitch" tight ♪

♪ Drink 40 cups of Throat Coatwhile they're cooking my quail ♪

♪ And after all that,I have my money detailed ♪

♪ Gotta have your cream steamed,there's germs on money ♪

♪ And when it's all wrinkled,gotta fluff and fold, honey ♪

♪ Gotta take another bathin prehistoric mud ♪

♪ B-B-Back to my roomwhere I get new blood ♪

♪ The only bloodthat works for me is ♪

♪ Blue blood 'cause...Natty Legs, bitch ♪

♪ And a migrant named Lionelalphabetizes my vinyl ♪

♪ While I dine with my gynoa-a-and my jewelry designer ♪

♪ Right before the show,I get primped and weighed ♪

♪ Then I go to the network,it's time to get paid ♪

♪ I elegant, that's what I be

♪ So damn fancy,got a diamond pussy ♪

♪ D-D-D-Diamond pussy,d-d-d-diamond pussy ♪

♪ D-D-D-D... Diamond pussy (meows)

No, no, no, no.No.

Natasha, the budget foryour special is out of control.

We've got to keepthis thing simple. Look.

I can show you market researchthat proves

people do notwant to see effort.

Uh-uh. I didn'tget into this business to read.

Okay, thenI'll summarize it for you, okay?

Specials aren't special anymore.

And you're making yoursway too special.

You're spending too much money.

I haven't evenfinished my intro yet.

I know. I can stillhear the music.

This is the perfect timeto rein it in.

Have you seenthese Louis C.K. specials?

He literallygets off the bus,

he wipes mustard off his shirt,

he does the show in a T-shirt.

That'sa producer's dream.

I can get you a T-shirt.

That's what people want.

No frills.

Okay, I'll think about it.

Thought about it.Hell no.

Okay, it's really annoyingwhen you talk

in tempo to the music, okay?

'Cause it soundslike you're rapping.

And I'm sorry,

but you cannot call the special

Diamond Pussy.

But I had it polishedfor the show.

Okay, it looks amazing.

But we have got to stopspending money.

Shut the hell up, Mister...

Wearing-A-Suit-Man.

Table flip.

Don't flip my...Don't flip the table.

It's glass. Please.

♪ Man, (bleep) thispatriarchal society ♪

♪ Name of this specialstill be Diamond Pussy ♪

♪ That was a waste of my time,my show starts in ten ♪

♪ And I still gota whole bunch of errands ♪

♪ I got business, bitch,I need forever stamps ♪

♪ They're such a good value,got me super amped ♪

♪ One more thingI need to address ♪

♪ An unfortunate by-product

♪ Of saying yes

♪ Down to the clinic,I'm a superstar ♪

♪ All those bitchesknow who I are ♪

♪ 'Cause I have a career

♪ I ain't having babies

♪ The price of two babiesequals five Mercedes ♪

♪ I need another abortion,so I pay the fee ♪

♪ If I get two more

♪ Sixth one's free

Do you wantto use this one today?

♪ Nah, that's okay,I'll pay, bitch ♪

♪ While they get the babythey massage my legs ♪

♪ While they get the babyI eat steak and eggs ♪

♪ Then I have the waiterbring a light dessert ♪

♪ Bye-bye, baby,mama's eating sherbert ♪

♪ I eat steak and eggsand lamb and ham ♪

♪ Post my meal and abortionall on Instagram ♪

♪ I get away with this, y'all,'cause I'm famous and wealthy ♪

♪ Always got time for a selfie

♪ I gotta finish this shit,get my ass to the club ♪

♪ I'm-a do my show highon abortion drugs ♪

♪ I feel ten pounds lighter,even with the steak ♪

♪ And now my body's backto its pre-op weight ♪

♪ It takes a lot of maintenanceto keep all this juicy ♪

♪ And that's how I keepthis diamond pussy ♪(meows)

♪ Now I'm ready for my show,I call it what I want ♪

♪ 'Cause they want this shinypussy from China to Vermont ♪

♪ (bleep) Ben & Jerry,they're a couple of wussies ♪

♪ Binge on a pintof diamond pussy ♪

♪ Diamond pussy,d-d-d-diamond pussy ♪

♪ D-d-d-d...

♪ Diamond pussy (meows)

♪ I elegant

♪ That's what I be

♪ So damn fancy,got a diamond pussy ♪

♪ D-d-d-diamond pussy,d-d-d-diamond pussy ♪

EMCEE:Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome Natasha Leggero!

(cheering and applause)