Megan Mooney - Mother's Voice

  • Season 10 , Ep 9
  • 03/16/2006
  • Views: 5,453

Megan will never pretend to be her mother again. (2:25)

TO IDENTIFY SOMEONE'S SEXUALITY.YOU EVER KNOW SOMEONE LIKE THAT.

YOU COULD BE GAYER THAN GAY, MY MOM WOULDN'T KNOW IT.

YOU COULD BELEADING THE GAY PARADE,MY MOM WOULD BE LIKE,

"YOU TWIRL A HELLUVA BATON, SIR.

"I HAVE GOT TO INTRODUCE YOU TO ONE OF MY DAUGHTERS.

"THAT IS A FANCY SHIRT.YOU MADE THAT?

AHHH, CARRIE, HE COOKS AND SEWS!" YEAH.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ISN'T THAT CUTE?

HALF MY FRIENDS ARE GAY. SHE STILL DOESN'T SEE IT.

SHE'S LIKE "WHO'S A LESBIAN, THAT WOMAN IN THE TUXEDO?

"I DON'T THINK SO, MEGAN. MAYBE SHE KNOWS MAGIC

OR WORKS IN AFANCY RESTAURANT, HUH?"

[LAUGHTER]

I SOUND LIKE MY MOM, WHICH IS NICE.

IT STARTED IN LIKE EIGHTH GRADE.

I USED TO ANSWER THE PHONE, AND HER FRIENDS WOULD JUST

TALK TO ME LIKE I WAS HER. AND THAT WAS HORRIBLE,

'CAUSE WHEN YOU'RE YOUNGER,YOU DON'T HAVE ANY PHONE SKILLS.

YOU'RE JUST A KID. I'D PICK UP THE PHONE.

MY MOM'S FRIENDS ARE CRAZY. THEY'D LAUNCH RIGHT INTO IT.

YOU'D BE LIKE, "HELLO." AND THEY'RE LIKE, "HEY, JAN.

"THIS IS JOANIE. I JUST BOUGHT THE LIONEL RITCHIE CD

AND IT'S FANTASTIC." I'D BE LIKE,

"WHY DON'T YOU RAM IT UP YOUR CAN." CLICK.

'CAUSE I ALWAYS THOUGHTTHAT WAS FUNNY.

MY MOM WOULD BE LIKE,"THAT WASN'T VERY NICE.

THAT PERSONMUST THINK YOU'RE RUDE."

AND I'D BE LIKE, "NOT REALLY, MOM.

THEY KIND OF THINK YOU'RE RUDE."

"YOU NEED TO GET SOME PHONE SKILLS.

IT'S TEARING THIS FAMILY APART."

I HAD TO STOP DOIN' IT,'CAUSE MY DAD CALLEDTHE HOUSE ONE DAY.

DON'T EVER PRETEND TO BE ONE OF YOUR PARENTS

WHEN THE OTHER ONE'S ON THE LINE.

IT'S NOT FUNNY.IT'S TRAGIC.

I WAS LIKE, "HELLO?" MY DAD GOES, "IS THAT YOU?"

I WAS LIKE, "YEAH! WHAT DO YOU NEED!"

I'M ALL EXCITED. HE GOES, "OH, I'M SO GLAD YOU ANSWERED.

- I'M SO HORNY."- [LAUGHTER]

"HOLD, PLEASE. I'M GONNA GET MOM THEN STAB MYSELF IN THE HEAD."

- THAT IS THE SICKEST-- - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S THE SICKEST THINGI'VE EVER HEARD,

AND I NEVER PRETENDED TO BE HER AGAIN,

'CAUSE WHEN YOUR DAD TELLS YOU HE'S HORNY,

"GAME OVER, BUDDY. YOU WIN." THANK YOU GUYS, VERY MUCH.

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