Eugene Mirman - Book Report

  • Season 12 , Ep 7
  • 01/31/2008
  • Views: 12,979

Eugene got an A+ and a place in special education at the same time. (3:54)

HI.

THAT FELT NICE.WE SHOULD EACH TAKE TURNS.

[LAUGHTER]

UM, I--

I LIVE IN BROOKLYNAND, UM...YEAH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I WAS ON THE STREETAND I RAN INTO THE EX-BOYFRIEND

OF AN ACQUAINTANCE FROM COLLEGE.

AND I WISH THATIT WAS OKAY IN OUR CULTURETO LOOK AT PEOPLE

AND JUST BE LIKE,"I KNOW YOU! GOOD-BYE."

[LAUGHTER]

BUT YOU CAN'T.YOU HAVE TO TALK. BUT, UM...

SO I DECIDED THATI WOULD JUST MAKE STUFF UPABOUT HOW THINGS ARE GOING.

AND HE WAS LIKE, "SO WHEREARE YOU LIVING? I WAS LIKE,

"OH, I LIVE HERE IN BROOKLYNWITH HARRISON FORD."

"AND I'M-- I KILL HORSES.I'M A HORSE ASSASSIN.

YOU KNOW IT'S A GOOD JOB.GOOD UNION."

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS THINKINGABOUT TRUTH OR DARE ANDWHAT THE FIRST DARE WAS.

AND I BET THEFIRST DARE WAS PROBABLY ACAVEMAN DARING A CAVEWOMAN

TO THROW A BURNING STICKAT A MONSTER.

AND I BET SHE WAS LIKE,"OKAY, TRUTH."

AND I BET HE WAS LIKE,"WHAT'S YOUR BIGGEST FANTASY?"

AND SHE WAS LIKE,"A-GRI-CUL-TURE."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK THATKIDS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS.

BUT SO WOULD YOUIF YOU HAD NO EDUCATION.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU'D JUST BE,"I AM BIKE CHEESE."

'CAUSE YOU WOULDN'TKNOW WHAT WORDS WERE.

I DON'T HAVE A KID. BUT I THINKTHAT I WOULD BE A GOOD FATHER,

YOU KNOW, ESPECIALLY IF MY BABYLIKED TO GO OUT DRINKING.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

WHEN I WAS GROWING UPFROM 6th TO 12th GRADE

I WAS IN SPECIAL ED.AND, IT'S TRUE.

THEY PUT ME IN SPECIAL EDBECAUSE THEY THOUGHT I WAS SLOW.

BUT I STAYED IN SPECIAL EDFOR THE LADIES.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THE STORY THOUGH OF HOW,WHICH IS SADLY TRUE,

OF HOW I WASPUT INTO SPECIAL ED,

WAS THAT IN 6th GRADEI HAD TO DO A BOOK REPORT.

AND I WAS LIKE,"BOOK REPORT, GOT IT."

AND THEN THREE WEEKS LATERI CAME IN DRESSED AS BILL COSBY.

AND-- BUT NOT FROMTHE COSBY SHOW,I SAW HIM FROM I SPY.

AND ALSO, I WASDRESSED AS A COWBOY,

'CAUSE I ONCE SAW HIMDRESSED AS A COWBOY.

BUT I WASN'T IN BLACK FACE.I WASN'T CRAZY. YOU KNOW.

SO I CAME INDRESSED AS A COWBOY.AND I WAS LIKE,

"I'M BILL COSBY."AND THEN I LIP-SYNCHED

HIS STAND-UP COMEDYFOR FIVE MINUTES.

AND THE TEACHER--AND THIS IS THE BEST PART--

THE TEACHER WAS LIKE,"YOU GET AN A-PLUS.

- BUT YOU HAVE TO SEE A DOCTOR.- [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

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