I live in Los Angeles, which isthe capital of Mexico.
I, um, I'm pretty surewhat that is right now.
I had to fly here.
I don't like flying.
I really, reallydon't like flying.
I don't... I can't reallyexplain it.
I just don't like it.
Um, I don't like playing the"did your luggage make it" game.
Um, that's where you stand
in front of a vending machinecarousel-type contraption,
and you wait for your luggageto come out.
Now, here's the problemthat I have with that.
Uh, I don't know whatmy luggage looks like
when it's not with me.
when it's with me, blue bag,
when it's not with me,it could be anything.
I really don't remember.And, um...
Part of the problem I havewith waiting on my luggage
to come out is, uh,I stand in front
of the little vending machine.
And I, uh, I find myselfdeveloping symptoms of diseases
that I know I don't have.
Because I'll see a bag,I'm not sure if it's my bag.
I don't want to touch it.
Because I don't want peopleto think
I'm stealing 'cause I'm black.And...
I just don't need thatunnecessary pressure.
And, uh, I'll see a bag,I'm not sure if it's mine.
I want to grab it,but I just look at it
and I try to indentify it,but I find myself
developing symptoms ofParkinson's 'cause I'll be like,
"Is this my..."
"That's not my bag."
And then I find my bagand Parkinson's is cured.
Now, that's not...that's the easy way out.
Now, this next thing I'm aboutto say, it may sound offensive,
but I thought about thislong and hard.
I've always wantedto own a midget.
Now... listen, there'snothing... there's no laws
that say you can't own one.
I've looked it up.And, um...
I would like to have a midget,
not to do anything cruel,unusual to it.
I would liketo have the midget
to put inside my luggage.And...
when my bag comes outand I can't identify it,
I'll just yell out,"Hey, bag buddy!"
And some feet will come outof the bottom of the suitcase,
and he will walk over to meand I'd be like,
"Thank you.Let's get out of here."
Now, a lot of y'all like,"Aw, that's mean and cruel."
But I thought about thislong and hard.
I will poke holes into the bag
and give it, uh,Goldfish and Capri Sun.
Those are little people treats.