THIS WAS SUCHA BEAUTIFUL DAY TODAY.
IT REALLY WAS.
IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL TODAY
THAT I ONLY WATCHED FOUR HOURSOF "LAW & ORDER"
IN MY APARTMENT.
ONLY FOUR.
I LOVE THAT SHOW.
I LOVE IT VERY MUCH.
I LOVE THAT SHOWBECAUSE "LAW & ORDER"
IS THE SAME EPISODEEVERY SINGLE TIME.
LIKE, THE SAME THING HAPPENSON EVERY "LAW & ORDER,"
TO THE POINT THAT, LIKE, YOU SEETHE SAME TYPES OF CHARACTERS
ON EVERY "LAW & ORDER,"YOU KNOW?
THE SAME TYPES OF PEOPLETHEY BUST OUT.
SOME OF MY PERSONAL FAVORITESTHAT THEY HAVE --
THERE IS"GUY WHO WHILE BEING QUESTIONED
BY HOMICIDE DETECTIVESWILL NOT STOP UNLOADING CRATES."
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
OH, DOESN'T MATTER TO THIS GUY.
DOUBLE RAPE AND MURDER?
NAH!
HE'S GOT TO UNLOAD THAT VAN.
THE DETECTIVES SHOW UP WITHALL THESE SERIOUS QUESTIONS,
AND THIS GUY IS JUST LIKE,"TONY RAMIREZ?
YEAH, I REMEMBER HIM."
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
"USED TO WORK HERE TUESDAYS,RIGHT?"
IT'S LIKE,"DUDE, PEOPLE HAVE DIED!"
"HOW OFTEN...
ARE YOU QUESTIONEDBY HOMICIDE DETECTIVES..."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"...THAT YOU'RE THIS CASUALABOUT IT?"
YOU KNOW WHO'S BLASéTALKING TO THE COPS?
CRIMINALS.
OTHER FAVORITESTHAT THEY HAVE ON THE SHOW --
THERE IS"JUDGE WHO ALLOWS EVERYTHING."
[ As woman ] "MM...
"I'LL ALLOW IT.
BUT WATCH YOURSELF, McCOY."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ Normal voice ]OH, YEAH.
SHE DOESN'T CARE WHAT HE WANTS.
SHE WILL ALLOW IT.
JUDGES ON THAT SHOWALWAYS SEEM SO BORED.
THEY'RE LIKE,"WHAT IS IT NOW, COUNSELOR?"
HOW ABOUTA [BLEEP] MURDER TRIAL?
IS THAT NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU?
AND, OF COURSE, MY NEW FAVORITECHARACTER ON "LAW & ORDER,"
"THE NEW YORK CITY BARTENDERWHO RECOGNIZES EVERYBODY
THAT'S EVER BEENIN THE BAR EVER."
THEY HAND THIS GUY A PHOTO,AND HE'S LIKE, "AH!
YEAH!"
THEY ALWAYS MAKE THAT FACE, TOO.
THAT LIKE "YEAH!" FACE.
LIKE THEIR FACENEEDS TO ADJUST TO A PHOTOGRAPH.
LIKE THEY'RE LIKE,"OH! A PICTURE!"
"NOT FOR NOTHING,BUT FOR A SECOND,
I THOUGHT IT WAS A TINY PERSON."
[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
"YEAH!BLUE-SHIRT LADY.
"NICE LADY!
CAME IN HERE FRIDAY,AROUND 7:30."
THE COPS ARE LIKE,"NOW, DID SHE SEEM UPSET?"
"NO! SHE WAS SMILING."
"GUY SHE WAS WITH DIDN'T LOOKTOO HAPPY, THOUGH."
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
"HE LEFT ABOUT 9:35, 9:36."
IT'S LIKE, "WHICH NEW YORK CITYDO YOU WORK IN?"
"I LIVE WITH PEOPLEI DON'T RECOGNIZE."
AND THEN THEY ALWAYS ASKTHE SAME THING.
THEY'RE LIKE, "WHY?
DID, UH --DID SOMETHING HAPPEN TO HER?"
IT'S LIKE, "YEAH.
"SOMETHING MOST DEFINITELY DID.
"THAT'S WHY THE MURDER POLICEARE HERE
"WITH A PHOTOGRAPH OF HER,
TALKING ABOUT HERIN THE PAST TENSE."
[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, EVERYBODY.THAT'S MY TIME.
YOU WERE FANTASTIC.THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.