Richard Lewis - Woodstock

Richard Belzer & Jonathan Katz Season 1, Ep 0102 02/24/1992 Views: 1,040

Richard didn't go to Woodstock because it was drizzling. (1:39)

I DON'T NEED TO APOLOGIZE

AND YET, UH,I LIVE TO APOLOGIZE

BUT I SWEAR, I DESERVE TO.

WHEN I WAS 18, I COULDHAVE GONE TO WOODSTOCK.

I WAS IN JERSEY.

MY FRIENDS BEEPED A HORN,"COME ON, LET'S GO."

WOODSTOCK-- I COULDHAVE GONE TO WOODSTOCK.

AND I GO OUTSIDE, I GO,"YEAH, IT'S DRIZZLING.

"I DON'T KNOW, IS THEREGOING TO BE PARKING THERE?

I DON'T KNOW, IS THERE VALET?"

THEN I SAW THE MOVIE.

I WAS SO GLAD, NOW,AS A HYPOCHONDRIAC.

CAN YOU IMAGINE?

YOU KNOW, "WE HAVE ONETHROAT LOZENGER FOR 500,000.

LINE UP!"

PEOPLE MAKING LOVENEXT TO DONKEYS WITH TATTOOS

AND FORGET ABOUT IT.

BUT I, YOU KNOW,I JUST-- NOW I HANG OUT

I GO PHARMACY WINDOW SHOPPING,PRETTY MUCH

AND THEY MAKE ANNOUNCEMENTS:

"RICHARD LEWIS HASLEFT THE DRUGSTORE."

YOU KNOW, I'M NOTHAPPY ABOUT THAT

BUT, YOU KNOW,THOSE THINGS HAPPEN.

BUT MY FAMILY,THEY WERE HYPOCHONDRIACS.

THEY USED TO SENDOUT INVITATIONS.

MY MOTHER, I SWEAR TO GOD:

"YOU'RE INVITEDTO MY ROOT CANAL."

SO THAT'S HOWI LEARNED ALL THIS.

AT HOME NOW, I HAVECOUGH MEDICINE ON TAP.

IF YOU WANT TO COME OVERAFTER THE SHOW AND, UH...

THE BIGGEST PROBLEM I HAVEIS FROM MY GRANDPARENTS.

MY GRANDFATHER HAD--MAY HE REST IN PEACE--

HAD TYPE "A" BEHAVIOR

AND HE LIVED WITH US,WHICH WAS A THRILL.

HE'D COME DOWN AND HEWOULD LITERALLY, LIKE

HE WOULD TAKE, LIKE, THE CEREAL

AND EMPTY IT OUTON THE BREAKFAST TABLE.

"I'M TELLING YOU

THERE'S NOT 20% MORE RAISINSIN RAISIN BRAN!"

YOU KNOW, IT WAS, LIKE,SORT OF FRIGHTENING.

SO, THAT'S WHERE I'M AT.