John Oliver - The Pope's Astronomer

  • Season 1 , Ep 5
  • 02/05/2010
  • Views: 22,774

Based on their astrological signs, Pope Benedict XVI and Jesus are incompatible. (4:17)

YOU CAN STILL WITNESSSOMETHING HAPPENING

WHICH MAKES YOU SO EXCITED

THAT YOU'RE GLAD THATYOU LIVED TO SEE THE DAY

WHEN IT HAPPENED.

AND FOR ME,THIS HAPPENED RECENTLY

WHEN THE POPE'S ASTRONOMER...

(laughter)

YOU'RE RIGHT, BUT WAIT.

THE POPE'S ASTRONOMERRELEASED A STATEMENT SAYING

HE DID NOT WISH TO RULE OUTTHE POSSIBILITY,

AT THIS STAGE,OF LIFE ON MARS.

IT'S SO HARD TO KNOWWHERE TO BEGIN

WITH A SENTENCE LIKE THAT.

FOR ME IT WAS WITH THE PHRASE"POPE'S ASTRONOMER."

(laughter)

I DID NOT THINK THE POPEWOULD HAVE AN ASTRONOMER.

I STILL CAN'T QUITE WORK OUTWHY HE DOES HAVE ONE.

UNLESS IT'S A SENSE IN JUSTA GUY STANDING ON THE ROOF

OF THE VATICAN WITH A TELESCOPEBASICALLY ON GOD WATCH.

JUST, YOU KNOW,TWO TAPS IF YOU'RE HUNGRY,

THREE TAPS IF GOD'S COMING.

(laughter)

TAP, TAP--WAIT FOR IT.

SOMEONE GET RAPHAELA SANDWICH.

(laughter)

OR MAYBE THE POPE JUSTLOVES HOROSCOPES.

THAT WOULD MAKE SOME SENSE.

SO I STARTED LOOKINGINTO THIS.

AND THIS POPE WAS BORNON THE 16th OF APRIL,

MAKING HIM AN ARIES,

COMPATIBLE WITH BOTHSAGITTARIUS AND LEO.

BUT OF COURSE, JESUSWAS FAMOUSLY A CAPRICORN,

MEANING THAT THIS POPE

IS INCOMPATIBLEWITH JESUS.

(applause and laughter)

NOT MY FINDINGS.THE FINDINGS OF SCIENCE.

DON'T GET ANGRY WITH ME,CATHOLICS,

GO GET ANGRY WITH GALILEO.

OH, YOU ALREADY DID.

(applause)

WOW. WOW.

WOW, AN APPLAUSE BREAKFOR A GALILEO JOKE.

WELL PLAYED.

I DOFF MY IMAGINARY CAPTO YOU.

NOW IT'S HARD TO KNOWHOW TO END ANY SET.

JUST AS IT'S HARD TO KNOWHOW TO END A LIFE.

(laughter)

YES, THAT CAME OUT--

THAT CAME OUT A LITTLE BLEAKERTHAN I INTENDED IT TO.

WELL SPOTTED.

TRULY, IT'S--IT'S HARD TO GETYOUR LAST WORDS EXACTLY RIGHT.

NOW KARL MARX'S LAST WORDSWERE TAKEN DOWN

BY HIS HOUSEKEEPER.

SHE REALIZED HE WAS DYING,AND RAN IN TO TAKE DOWN

HIS FINAL STATEMENT,AND HIS FINAL WORDS--

YOU CAN CHECK IT,THIS IS TRUE--WERE THIS.

HE SAID, "NO, NO,GET OUT OF MY BEDROOM...

(laughter)

"LAST WORDS ARE FOR THOSE

WHO HAVE NOT YETSAID ENOUGH IN LIFE."

QUITE A PROFOUND THOUGHT.

BUT HIS HEART MUST HAVE SANKAS HE SAW HER WRITING THAT DOWN

AND REALIZING THATFOR THE REST OF TIME,

HE WAS GONNA SOUNDA BIT TESTY.

(laughter)

MAYBE COMMUNISM WAS DOOMEDTO FAIL WHEN HIS FIGUREHEAD

WENT OUT LIKE A BIT OF A DICK.

(laughter)

THE ONLY TIME YOU CAN BEABSOLUTELY SURE

OF GETTING YOUR LAST WORDSEXACTLY RIGHT,

ARE IF YOU'RE BEING EXECUTED.

IT'S YOUR FINAL RIGHTTO MAKE ONE STATEMENT

WHICH IS TAKEN DOWN VERBATIM.

AND THIS HAS LED TOSOME AMAZING THINGS BEING SAID

THROUGHOUT HUMAN HISTORY.

MY FAVORITE WAS RIGHT HEREIN NEW YORK,

IN 1924,A MAN CALLED GEORGE APPLE

WAS PUT TO DEATHBY ELECTRIC CHAIR,

AND GEORGE APPLE'S FINAL WORDS--I PROMISE YOU THIS IS TRUE--

WERE THIS--HE SAID, "WELL, GENTLEMEN,

YOU'RE ABOUT TO SEEA BAKED APPLE."

(laughter)

I DO NOT HAVE THAT COMMITMENTTO COMEDY THAT HE DID,

AND IT'S MY...JOB.

HE COULD HAVE SAID ANYTHINGAT THAT MOMENT.

HE COULD HAVE RAILED AGAINSTTHE SYSTEM

THAT WAS RIPPING HIS LIFEFROM HIM, BUT, NO,

HE DECIDED TO ENDON A TERRIBLE PUN.

(laughter)

AND I THINK HE SHOULD HAVE BEENLET GO FOR THAT,

AND THAT ALONE.

WE CANNOT AFFORD TO LOSEPEOPLE OF THAT CALIBER.

MAYBE HE JUST NEEDEDA FRIEND IN THERE

WITH A MINIATURE DRUM KITAND A HOOTER.

IT'S A TOUGH GIG,AN EXECUTION CHAMBER.

YOU HAVE TO WARMTHAT CROWD UP.

"WELL, GENTLEMEN, YOU'RE ABOUTTO SEE A BAKED APPLE.

(imitates rimshot)

STICK A FORK IN ME, I'M DONE."HONK-HONK!

"YOU'VE BEEN GREATEXECUTION CHAMBER.

I'M OUT OF HERE."

(cheers and applause)

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