Kevin Hart - Newlyweds

  • Season 8 , Ep 6
  • 02/12/2004
  • Views: 122,048

Kevin and his new wife argue all the time. (3:03)

GOT ME FEELING TALL UP HERE.

STOP IT.

MAKING ME THINK I'M SEXY OR

SOMETHING.

HOW'S EVERYBODY DOING?

GOOD?

IS EVERYBODY GOOD?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

OH.

I JUST GOT MARRIED, PEOPLE.

THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA TALK

ABOUT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I DIDN'T WANT YOU ALL TO CLAP,

I WAS JUST TELLING Y'ALL WHAT

HAPPENED.

IT'S NOT LIKE I'M THAT HAPPY

ABOUT IT.

GOD, BOY, ALL WE DO IS ARGUE.

THAT'S IT.

WHEN WE WAS BOYFRIEND AND

GIRLFRIEND, WE WAS HAPPY.

AND NOW, ALL WE DO IS ARGUE.

YOU EVER ARGUE THE FEMALE AND

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ARGUMENT

YOU NO LONGER FEEL SAFE?

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT

BECAUSE OF HER ACTIONS?

LIKE, SHE MIGHT START PACING

BACK AND FORTH REAL FAST.

BREATHING OUT HER NOSE.

YOU KNOW WHAT MY GIRL DO?

WHEN SHE GET MAD, SHE START

TALKING IN THE THIRD PERSON.

THAT'S SCARY AS HELL BECAUSE

THAT'S HER WAY OF TELLING ME

THAT FROM THIS POINT ON SHE'S

NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR NONE OF HER

ACTIONS.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

I'M SERIOUS, THOUGH.

IT'S LIKE SHE FORGET THAT SHE

REAL FOR LIKE, FIVE MINUTES.

SHE JUST START YELLING,

YOU KNOW? "YOU KNOW, KEVIN,

YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS?

SEE, YOU DON'T THINK TORI CRAZY,

DO YOU?"

"AH, BABY, I-- I THOUGHT YOU

WAS TORI."

[LAUGHTER]

"OH.

OH.

SEE, YOU THINK SHE PLAYING,

HUH?"

"W-- WAIT A MINUTE."

I GOT SO SCARED, I STARTED

TALKING IN THE THIRD PERSON.

"NO, KEVIN DON'T.

HE-- HE DON'T THINK SHE

PLAYING.

[LAUGHTER]

HE-- HE JUST DON'T KNOW WHERE

SHE AT.

IT'S DARK IN HERE, AND HE CAN'T

SEE HER, YOU KNOW.

[LAUGHTER]

HE DON'T LIKE THIS GAME.

HE DON'T WANNA PLAY THIS

NO MORE."

SHE KNOWS HOW TO PUSH MY

BUTTONS, MAN.

GOD, SHE GETS MAD.

LIKE, I REMEMBER SHE TOLD ME

ONE TIME THAT I BETTER NOT

COME HOME AND GO TO SLEEP.

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT,

YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER]

HOW YOU SUPPOSED TO BE IN LOVE

WITH SOMEBODY, YOU TELL ĂșEM

THAT THEY BETTER NOT COME HOME

TO GO TO SLEEP?

SHE TOLD ME SHE WAS GONNA

CHOKE ME WITH A DIRTY SOCK

UNTIL MY EYES POPPED OUT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

A DIRTY SOCK?

[BLEEP]DAMN.

THAT'S NOT EVEN A WEAPON.

I WAS PISSED OFF 'CAUSE WE HAD

CLEAN SOCKS RIGHT THERE IN THE

DRAWER.

YOU CAN'T GRAB A CLEAN SOCK,

AT LEAST?

[LAUGHTER]

SHE'S SELFISH, TOO, MAN.

THAT'S ANOTHER THING THAT IRKS

ME.

SHE'S REAL SELFISH.

LIKE YOU KNOW, EVERYTHING HAS

TO BE FOR HER OR ABOUT HER.

YOU KNOW?

LIKE, NOTHING CAN BE FOR ME.

YOU KNOW, WE THE SAME HEIGHT,

SO WE WEAR THE SAME SIZE IN

CLOTHES, YOU KNOW.

EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, I LEND

HER A SHIRT, A PAIR OF JEANS.

I DON'T MIND, I'M A NICE GUY,

YOU KNOW?

I GET MAD 'CAUSE I CAN'T GO

SHOPPING BY MYSELF.

YOU KNOW, SHE GOTTA COME WITH

ME.

BUT WHEN SHE DOES IS, SHE'LL

SEE SOMETHING THAT SHE LIKES

IN THE STORE, AND WHAT SHE'LL

DO IS, SHE'LL CONVINCE ME TO BUY

IT FOR MYSELF, SO SHE CAN TAKE

IT LATER.

YOU KNOW.

I'M JUST TOO STUPID TO FIGURE

IT OUT AT THE TIME, YOU KNOW?

"OH, BABE, YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD

GET THAT SHIRT.

THAT'S NICE, THAT'S CUTE,

THAT'LL LOOK GOOD ON YOU."

"THE TUBE TOP?"

"YEAH.

EVERYBODY WEARING THOSE.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH THAT."

[APPLAUSE]

MY DUMB ASS BOUGHT IT.

WORE IT TO THE FAMILY REUNION.

[LAUGHTER]

MY UNCLE GOT MAD.

"BOY, WHAT THE HELL YOU GOT

A TUBE TOP FOR?"

SHE'S TALKING ABOUT IT, MAKE

MY BACK AND MY STOMACH LOOK

NICE.

[LAUGHTER]

AND SOMEBODY THING I HAD TO

MATCH THIS SKIRT.

THAT'S ALL I HAD IN THE HOUSE.

SHE TOLD ME SHE LIKED IT.

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