I thought it would be sexy,but it's not, man.
They know too muchabout nursing.
I want to get into it,I want to role-play.
I want to be, like,"Yeah, you dirty little nurse!"
And, like, give her a spank.
She'd always be, like,"You really need
"to get some of these moleslooked at.
"This one's got hair comingout of it.
"This one looks like Indiana.That's definitely cancer."
I thought a nurse worea sexy outfit.
They don't. They wear scrubs.That's not hot at all.
It's like pajamas, man.
I was never, like, "Damn, girl,you look so comfortable.
"Uh, is that bloodon your shirt? Jesus!
You smell like urine.You're gross."
She made me this mix CDone time.
She gave it to me.She goes, "Baby, I made this CD
for us to listen towhile we're having sex."
I was, like, "Awesome."And then I found out
the CD wasa hour-and-a-half long.
"Do you want me
"to call up some of my friendsor something?
"We've been together two years.I don't think altogether
if you add up all of the times,it still wouldn't be that long."
If I made this CD,
it'd be a little bit differenttrack listings.
You know, the first couplesongs would be sexy,
it'd be, like, Marvin Gayeand then Barry White,
and then the rest of the CDwould have just been, like,
sounds from the rain forest.
Oh! This is perfect.
I need somethingto help me get to sleep
for the next hourand 27 minutes.
She was a terrible gift-giver.
For my birthday,she gave me stationery.
That sucks, doesn't it,as a present?
I tried to tell herthat I didn't like it.
She goes,"You don't understand.
"Andy, this stationery folds upinto its own envelopes.
So now when you're on the road,you can write me a letter."
Oh, my God, you think envelopesis the thing standing in my way
of writing you a letter?
I'm not writing you a lettercause it'd be stupid.
We talk on the phone every day.
I'm out of things to say to you,you know?
What would I even write?
Like, "Dear Lea, good talkingto you on the phone earlier.
"Sure is an inconvenient wayof communicating.
"Thank God you gotthis stationery that folds up
"into its own envelope.
By the way, say hi to me.I'm probably home by now."
We moved in together last year.
That's a big step in arelationship. I recommend that.
If you're done having funwith your friends,
and you just want to sit aroundand talk all the time
until you eventually ruinyour relationship.
Do it. It's a sad storywe broke up. It's sad.
She broke up with me.When she did it,
she goes, "One of the reasonsI want to break up, Andy,
is, I don't like that youwrite jokes about me."
Oh, my God, wait until you hearthe jokes I write
now that I no longer careabout your feelings.
We'll see, we'll see how nicethose are.