Christopher Titus - Sergeant Pepper

Christopher Titus: The 5th Annual End of the World Tour Season 1, Ep 101 03/17/2007 Views: 16,975

When four huge soldiers told Christopher Titus to go meet Sergeant Pepper, he had to comply. (4:59)

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FIRST ARMORED DIVISION.NOW, CHECK THIS OUT.

THE FIRST AD WAS IN IRAQ EARLY. THEY WERE THERE 12 MONTHS,

FOUR DAYS BEFORE THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO SHIP OUT,

THEY GOT TOLD THEY HAD TO STAY FOUR MORE MONTHS.

YEAH. THE ONLY THING I COULD COMPARE IT TO

IS I USED TO WORK ATKENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN.

- [LAUGHTER]- IS THAT FUNNY?

AND ONE NIGHT THEY ASKED ME TO STAY 30 MINUTES LATE...

ON A FRIDAY. I KNOW. I TORE UP MY PAPER HAT,

PUNCHED MY ASSISTANT MANAGER TRAINEE RIGHT IN THE FACE.

YEAH, YOU TELL THE COLONEL,HE CAN EAT ME.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO I'M OVER THERE GETTING READY FOR THE SHOW.

AND HERE'S WHAT I DIDN'T REALIZE.

I DIDN'T REALIZE HOW YOUNG THESE KIDS REALLY WERE, MAN.

'CAUSE I MET SOME OF THESE SOLDIERS AND IT WAS LIKE,

"ARE YOU GOING TO WAR TODAY? WHO'S GOING TO WAR TODAY?

"YES, YOU, YES, YOU ARE.

YOU GOT A NICE METAL HAT, DON'T YOU?"

SO, YOUNG KID'S, TOO YOUNG.

I'M WALKING AROUND GETTING READY.

AND THESE MPs WALK UP ON ME AND THEY WALK UP HARSH.

AND THEY'RE LIKE HUMAN TREES WITH BABY FACES. SO IT WAS LIKE, HAH!-- AW.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEY WALK UP SERIOUS.

"MR. TITUS, SIR, EXCUSE ME, MR. TITUS, SIR.

MR. TITUS, SIR, EXCUSE ME, MR. TITUS, SIR!"

[LAUGHTER]

"YOU CAN SAY IT ALL YOU WANT, I'M NOT DOING PUSHUPS."

- "VERY FUNNY, SIR!" - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SIR, OUR SERGEANT, SERGEANT PEPPER, IS A HUGE FAN.

WOULD YOU COME OVER AND MEET SERGEANT PEPPER, SIR?

[LAUGHTER]

"SERGEANT PEPPER. YEAH, THEN MAYBE YOU COULD

"INTRODUCE ME TO COLONEL CHICKEN, YEAH.

I TOLD HIM TO EAT ME A WHILE BACK."

- "AGAIN, SIR, HILARIOUS! - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SIR, PLEASE COME WITH ME AND MEET SERGEANT PEPPER."

"FINE. LET'SGO MEET SERGEANT PEPPER'CAUSE I AM THE WALRUS."

SO WE STARTWALKING ACROSS THE BASE.

AND HERE'S WHERE IT GETS WEIRD

'CAUSE THESE GUYS AREN'T JUST HANGING WITH ME.

THERE'S TWO GUYS IN FRONT ME, TWO GUYS IN BEHIND ME

AND THEY'RE JUST WALKING IN LOCK STEP.

I'M LIKE, WHAT THE HELL? WHAT DID I SAY?

'CAUSE TWO THEM ARE GREEN BERETS, MAN,

AND THEY COULD KILL ME WITH A NAPKIN.

YOU KNOW I-- AND WEDON'T STOP FOR ANYTHING.

WE JUST HAUL ASS AND I'M LIKE, "WHAT IS GOING ON?"

AND I FINALLY SEE WHY 'CAUSE I SEE SERGEANT PEPPER.

AND SERGEANT PEPPER'S BIGGER THAN ALL THESE GUYS

AND HE'S GOT A BIG MUG OF BEER IN HIS HAND.

'CAUSE WE'RE IN GERMANYAND THAT'S WHAT THEY DO.

EXCEPT SERGEANT PEPPER IS IN A WHEELCHAIR.

AND HE'S GOT THE TOP OF HIS ARM BLOWN OFF

AND BOTH OF HIS EYES GOT BLOWN OUT IN IRAQ

AND SITTING NEXT TO THE WHEELCHAIR

IS SERGEANT PEPPER'S PREGNANT WIFE.

AND ONE OF THE GUYS GOES, "SERGEANT PEPPER,

"COMEDIAN CHRISTOPHER TITUS STANDING RIGHT HERE.

- HE SEEMS TO BE HILARIOUS!" - [LAUGHTER]

AND SERGEANT PEPPER TURNS AND GOES,

"TITUS, DUDE, YOUR SHOW ROCKED.

"AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW, ME AND MY GUYS APPRECIATE YOU

"COMING ALL THE WAY OVER HERE AND PERFORMING FOR US.

"I CANNOT TELL YOU WHAT IT MEANS TO US.

THANK YOU." "AH, UM--

YOU'RE WELCOME." AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

AND I'M PRETTY GOOD AT FINDING FUNNY IN A DARK PLACE.

I HAVE NO FEAR OF THAT.BUT I HAD NOTHING, MAN.

I'M JUST A DOUCHE.I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

AND IT'S JUST THIS WEIRD SILENCE.

AND THEN ONE OF THE GUYS SAVED ME.

"SERGEANT PEPPER,WOULD YOU LIKE A PICTUREOF YOU AND MR. TITUS?"

AND SERGEANT PEPPERTURNS HIS HEAD AND GOES,

"WHO THE HELL'S THE PICTURE FOR?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND DUDE, I'M ON THE FLOOR ROLLING ON THE GROUND LAUGHING.

AND THE DUDE WAS MAKING FUN OF HIMSELF AND AFTER ALL THIS STUFF,

AND MY FIRST THOUGHT WAS, MY GOD,

IS THAT WHO WE SENT OVER THERE? IS THAT THE KIND OF

HEART AND CHARACTER THESE KIDS HAVE?

'CAUSE IF THAT'S THE CASE, WORLD'S NOT COMING TO AN END

RIGHT NOW. AND I HAD SOME HOPE. AND I WENT HOME

AND I LET MY WIFE GIVE BIRTH TO OUR FIRST CHILD

- FOR THE SECOND TIME. - [LAUGHTER]

AND I STARTED WATCHING CNN WITH HER AGAIN.

HEY, BABY, LOOK,IT'S CNN AGAIN.

LOOK AT THAT. YEAH. YEAH. LOOK AT THAT. IT'S A PARK.

AND THERE'S A WHITE GUY AND A BLACK GUY AND AN ASIAN GUY

AND A LATINO GUY AND, OKAY THAT GUY, HE'S CANADIAN.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT HIM.

THEY NEVER AFFECT THE WORLD MUCH AT ALL.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT YOU SEE WHAT THEY'RE DOING? THAT'S CALLED PRAYING.

AND THEY'RE DOING IT FOR EACH OTHER.

YOU'RE DADDY'S NEVER SEEN THISIN HIS LIFETIME.

MAYBE I WAS WRONG.

MAYBE THIS IS THE BEST TIME TO BE BORN.

'CAUSE THAT RIGHT THERE,THAT'S WHAT IT MEANS

TO BE AN AMERICAN. AND THEY'RE PRAYING FOR PEACE.

AND IF WE CAN'T HAVE PEACE, THEN WE DESTROY THE PEOPLE

WHO SCREWED UP THE PEACE SO WE CAN HAVE SOME DAMN PEACE.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M GONNA TEACH YOU HOW TO PRAY. WE'RE GONNA GO TO CHURCH.

OH, WAIT. WE CAN'T. YOU MIGHT GET FONDLED.

[LAUGHTER, OH'S AND APPLAUSE]

NO, YOU'RE A GIRL. YOU'RE SAFE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]