Tammy Pescatelli - What the Hell Is Wrong with You?

  • Season 10, Ep 10
  • 03/23/2006
  • Views: 29,498

Dick punching creates jobs. (3:31)

I GO, "I WAKE UP."

MY WHOLE FAMILY, LIKE WHEN I WAS A KID,

YOU KNOW HOW MOST OF YOUR FIRST MEMORIES ARE SOFT, NICE,

YOU'RE LIKE FOUR, FIVE YEARS OLD?

THEY'RE JUST SOFT MEMORIES, RIDING A BIKE OR WHATEVER?

NOT ME. MY FAMILY AT A BASEBALL GAME,

I THOUGHT MY GRANDFATHER HAD LOST HIS MIND.

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GAME, HE JUMPS UP.

HE STARTS SCREAMING ATTHE TOP OF HIS LUNGS. HE'S LIKE

"80,000 PEOPLE.80,000 PEOPLE!"

I GO, "PAPA, WHAT'S WRONG?" HE GOES, "80,000 PEOPLE

AND THAT A BIRD HAD TO [BLEEP] ON ME."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLE AND APPLAUSE]

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

I SAY, "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU" ALL THE TIME.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE LIKE ME.

BUT LIKE, DON'T YOU SEE RIDICULOUS STUFF EVERY DAY

THAT YOU JUST WISH YOU COULD WALK UP TO THAT PERSON AND GO,

"HEY, COME HERE. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

LIKE, THE CHUBBY GIRL WITH THE HALF-SHIRTS,

RIGHT, RIGHT? HUH?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

I'M LIKE, "PUT A PONCHO ON. IT'S POPULAR NOW, OKAY?

"THEY DON'T HAVE MIRRORSWHERE YOU LIVE?

'WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?'"

OR THE BOYS NOW, THE TREND IS LIKE THE BOYS WEAR THEIR PANTS

HALFWAY DOWN THEIR BUTT WITH THEIR UNDERWEAR HANGING OUT,

LIKE THE TELEPHONE RANG AND THEY WERE ON THE TOILET.

I'M LIKE, "PULL UP YOUR PANTS. NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THAT.

"'WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?'"

IF I HAD A TV SHOW CALLED, "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

I WOULD INTERVIEW ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE.

LIKE, DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE MAN WHO FLEW HIS PLANE

OVER THE WHITE HOUSE,COST AMERICAN TAXPAYERS

HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS IN NATIONAL SECURITY,

THEY SENT UP FLARES AND CHOPPERS,

AND THE MAN'S EXCUSE WAS, HE DIDN'T KNOW THAT

YOU COULDN'T FLY YOUR PLANE OVER THE WHITE HOUSE.

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?" OKAY?

'CAUSE I'M NOT A PILOT. ARE YOU A PILOT? YOU A PILOT?

YOU KNOW NOT TO FLY YOUR PLANE OVER THE WHITE HOUSE? AND IF YOU DON'T KNOW,

HOW ABOUT WHEN THE FIRST FIGHTER JET

- PULLS UP ALONGSIDE OF YOU?- [CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

PERHAPS THAT'S AHINT, GLIDER BOY, OKAY?LAND THE PLANE.

AND THEY'RE TAKING AWAYHIS PILOT'S LICENSE.

AND APPARENTLY HE'S APPEALING. 'CAUSE NOWADAYS

THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE DO. THEY APPEAL IT.

REMEMBER IN THE OLD DAYS

WHEN PEOPLE DO SOMETHING EMBARRASSING AND THEY WOULD

HAVE THE RESPECT ENOUGHFOR THE REST OF US

TO STAY HOME FOR AWHILE?RIGHT, LIKE MARV ALBERT,

WE DIDN'T SEE HIMFOR THREE OR FOUR YEARS.THIS IDIOT IS APPEALING.

AND THE NEXT DAY HE WAS IN COURT APPEALING HIS SENTENCE.

I GO, "YOU KNOW, I WISH THAT I COULD BE THE GUEST JUDGE."

BECAUSE IF IT WERE UP TO ME,

I WOULD TAKE AWAY HIS PILOT'S LICENSE,

HIS DRIVER'S LICENSE. IF HE'S GOT A DOG,

I'D TAKE AWAYHIS DOG LICENSE.

IF IT WERE UP TO ME, EVERY DAY FOR ONE YEAR

HE SHOULD GET PUNCHED IN THE [BLEEP]. OKAY?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

JUST HIRE ONE OFMY LITTLE HAIRY UNCLES.

"HOW YA DOIN'? BOOM! ARIGHT.

SEE YOU TOMORROW ABOUT 3:00.HAVE A GOOD DAY."

YOU THINK IT'S HARSH, BUT I'M CREATING JOBS.

YOU GET PUNCHED IN THE [BLEEP] EVERY DAY FOR A YEAR

THERE'LL BE NO REPEAT OFFENDERS. OKAY?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

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