YOU CAN'T FIND IT,SO YOU JUST DECIDE,
"OH, IT LOOKS LIKEI'M NOT WATCHING TV.
"NOT GONNA TAKE TWO STEPSAND TURN IT ON MYSELF.
"I'LL GO TO THE GYMIF I'M GOING TO WORK OUT.
FORGET THAT."
YOU EVER HAVE THE TV ONAND YOU CAN'T FIND THE REMOTE?
GOTTA WATCHTHAT ONE CHANNEL.
FEEL LIKE YOU'RE IN PRISON.
"I GOTTA WATCH THIS.
I FEEL LIKE I'M READING--THIS IS WORK."
I WATCH A LOT OF TV.I DRINK A LOT OF COFFEE TOO.
BUT YOU KNOWWHAT'S REALLY ADDICTIVE?
HEROIN.
THAT'LL GRAB YOUBY THE HORN.
WHAT HORN?
MY FAVORITE CHANNELIS THE LIFETIME CHANNEL
BECAUSE LIFETIMEIS TELEVISION FOR WOMEN.
"LIFETIME:TELEVISION FOR WOMEN."
YET FOR SOME REASON,
THERE'S ALWAYS A WOMANGETTING BEATEN ON THAT NETWORK.
"IN A LIFETIME ORIGINAL,MEREDITH BAXTER BIRNEY
GETS BEATEN WITH A ROD--IN A LIFETIME ORIGINAL ROD."
I WAS WATCHING ANIMAL PLANET.
DO YOU KNOW THATTHE MALE SEA HORSE HAS THE BABY?
AND I WAS THINKING,
"WHY DON'T THEY JUST CALL THATTHE FEMALE SEA HORSE?"
YOU KNOW IT'S JUST SOMESTUBBORN SCIENTIST, YOU KNOW.
"YEAH, THAT ONE THEREIS A MALE SEA HORSE."
"BILL, THAT ONE'SHAVING A BABY."
"MALE HAS THE BABY.YOU'RE FIRED."
MY FAVORITE ANIMALIS THE MANATEE--THE SEA COW.
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THAT ANIMAL?
THE MANATEE IS ENDANGERED,
AND I THINKIT'S BECAUSE IT'S OUT OF SHAPE.
IT LOOKS LIKEA RETIRED FOOTBALL PLAYER.
YOU EVER SEE ITON THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL?
IT'S ALWAYS FLOATING AROUNDLIKE,
"I'M BLOATED.TOO MUCH PIZZA."
AND THE MANATEEIS ALSO CALLED THE SEA COW.
I MEAN, THAT KIND OF SOUNDSLIKE AN INSULT.
IT'S AS IF THE MANATEEWAS INTRODUCED TO THE OCEAN,
THE OTHER ANIMALS WERE LIKE,"WHO'S THE NEW GUY?"
AND THE MANATEE'S LIKE,
"OH, HI, EVERYONE.YOU CAN CALL ME THE MANATEE."
"YEAH, RIGHT,SEA COW."
"MY NAME'S MANATEE,FELLAS."
"SEA COW.FAT ASS."
DOESN'T THE MANATEEKIND OF LOOK LIKE A GUEST
ON THE RICKY LAKE SHOW?
MANATEE WOULD BE LIKE,
"RICKY, I'M HEREBECAUSE I'M ENDANGERED."
THEN ONE OF THOSE MEAN PEOPLEIN THE AUDIENCE
WOULD OFFER UP THE ADVICE--
"YEAH, I WANT TO SAY SOMETHINGTO THE SEA PIG."
"THAT'S SEA COW."
"WHATEVER.
SEA PIG, YOU GOT TO GET YOURSELFAN EDUCATION AND A JOB."
"I LIVE IN THE OCEAN."
"IT JUST SO HAPPENSYOU LIVE IN THE OCEAN
'CAUSE YOU AIN'T GOT NO JOB."
"I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE--"
"YOU GOTTA GETIN WEIGHT WATCHERS,
SOME KIND OF PROGRAM."
"I HAVE A LAYER OF BLUBBER
TO KEEP MY BODY WARMIN THE WATER."
"WHATEVER.TALK TO MY HAND."
[laughter and applause]