Chris Hardwick - Gramp Stamp

Chris Hardwick: Mandroid Season 1, Ep 101 11/10/2012 Views: 8,470

Chris Hardwick will not get a tattoo above his cottony pubes when he gets older. (2:12)

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I don't want to startmaking fun of old people.

Like, it's all--

If we're lucky, it'll allhappen to us someday.

We'll get older,

and I've really startedto feel it lately, right?

Like, is anyoneabout to turn 30?

Anyone about to turn 30in the audience?

A couple of you?All right.

Are you freaked out at all?

You are freaked out?You don't need to freak out.

30 is not weird, you guys.30 is not weird.

35 is weird.

Because that's the yearyou start checking

a whole different box whenyou're filling out surveys.

[gasps]And it [bleep] hurts.

You take for grantedthat for 16 years you live in

this wide-open countrycalled "18-34."

Whee!

Because after that,it's just "35 to corpse."

Like, no onegives a [bleep] anymore.

They don't care.

Because you're oldand creepy and weird.

I don't shopat the same places anymore.

Look, I got onmy boxer shorts

from the, uh,the Abercrombie & Fitch store.

Can you see?

Look,"Abercrombie & Fitch."

In giant letters, likea huge billboard advertisement

above my junk.

Like, who do they thinkis gonna see this?

That is a generousoverestimation

of the foot trafficthis area gets.

And that is only somethingthat men's underwear does.

Women's underwear doesnot brand in this fashion,

because noself-respecting woman

would put on a pair of pantiesthat said "The Gap"

above them.

That would be weird.

It'd be weird.

"Oh, really?Oh, all right."

I started freaking out

right beforemy last birthday

and a friend of minewas like,

"Man, you shouldget a tattoo."

I'm like,"I don't have any tattoos.

I'm too old nowto get a tattoo."

And he's like, "You're nevertoo old to get a tattoo."

And I was like,

"A lot of times,you're too old to get a tattoo."

Like, I'm not gonna be,

like,[bleep] 70 years old,

like, walking around,

rocking my gramp stampright on the back.

"Hey everybody, that'sthe chemical chain for Lipitor.

"Hey, lookie here,right above my cottony pubes

is the Chinese symbolfor, 'Stay off my lawn.'"