[slurps, laughs]
THOMAS JEFFERSONAND JOHN ADAMS--
THEY WERE FOUNDINGFATHERS OF AMERICA.
THEY WERE ALSOTHE BEST OF FRIENDS.
ADAMS WAS LIKE,THE CONSTITUTION--
YOU CAN KIND OF BEND THATHOW YOU NEED TO BEND IT.
WE CAN KIND OF WORKWITH THIS,
AND JEFFERSONWAS ALWAYS LIKE,
CONSTITUTION ISTHE CONSTITUTION.
YOU CAN'T [bleep] WITH THAT.
BUT THEY LOVED EACH OTHER...
UNTIL ADAMS BECAME PRESIDENT,
AND IMMEDIATELYTHEY STARTED BUTTING HEADS.
JOHN ADAMS WAS LIKE,IT'S ILLEGAL TO TALK ANY [bleep]
ABOUT THE PRESIDENTOF THE UNITED STATES,
AND IF YOU DISAGREEWITH THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT,
[bleep] YOU.
AND JEFFERSON WAS LIKE,WELL, THIS IS TYRANNY.
THAT'S A VIOLATIONOF A LITTLE SOMETHING CALLED
FREEDOM OF SPEECH.
IT ALL REALLY REACHES ITS HEADON THE ELECTION OF 1800,
WHERE THESE TWO LIFELONG FRIENDSWERE PITTED AGAINST EACH OTHER.
ADAMS IS LIKE,IF YOU ELECT THOMAS JEFFERSON,
HERE'S WHAT YOU'RE GONNA GET.
MURDER ALL THE TIME.
EVERYBODY'S GONNA BEMURDERING EACH OTHER.
INCEST, YOUR WIVES WILL LOSETHEIR VIRTUE HAVING SEX
WITH A LOT OF DUDESWILLY-NILLY.
SO JEFFERSON STARTSTALKING A LOT OF [bleep]
ABOUT JOHN ADAMS.
WE'RE TALKINGABOUT GUYS WHO, LIKE,
CREATED THIS COUNTRY.
THEY WERE REALLY LIKEA BUNCH OF EIGHTH GRADERS.
HE WAS LIKE, YOU KNOW WHAT?
ADAMS HAS PROSTITUTESSHIPPED IN FROM OVERSEAS
THAT HE BANGS ALL THE TIME.
I'M JUST GONNA--I'M JUSTGONNA TELL YOU THAT RIGHT NOW.
I-I FEEL LIKE I KEEP SEEINGSPIT FLYING FROM MY MOUTH.
- NO, I'M FEELING IT.- AM I SPITTING A LOT?
- YEAH, I'M GLADYOU'RE SEEING IT, YEAH.
- THAT'S GOOD.- I'M IN THE SPLASH ZONE.
- SO JEFFERSONWENT TO THE NEWSPAPERS.
HE SAYS,I WANT TO TELL YOU THIS--
JOHN ADAMSIS A HERMAPHRODITE.
HE'S GOT BOTH MANAND WOMAN SEX ORGANS.
THIS IS, LIKE,A PUBLISHED STATEMENT
FROM THOMAS JEFFERSON.
ADAMS WAS LIKE, OKAY, FINE.
YOU WANT TO GO THAT ROUTE?
THAT'S WHEN [bleep]GOT REALLY DIRTY.
ADAMS SAYS, OH, BY THE WAY,IF YOU WERE THINKING
ABOUT VOTING FOR JEFFERSON,YOU SHOULDN'T BECAUSE HE'S DEAD.
- THAT'S A PRETTY GOOD CAMPAIGN.- IT'S A VERY GOOD CAMPAIGN.
- VOTE FOR ME.I'M ALIVE.
- YEAH.
EVEN IF YOU DISAGREEWITH EVERYTHING I SAY,
AT THE VERY LEAST, I'M ALIVE.
- WOULD YOU RATHER BE ACCUSEDOF HAVING
A PENIS AND A VAGINAOR BEING DEAD?
- I THINK BEING ALIVEWITH A PENIS AND A VAGINA
WOULD BE AN AMAZING EXPERIENCE.
AND YOU'RE ALIVE.- [laughs]