- He's just talking to methe whole time in that super
porntastic way, he's like,"I'm gonna make you come.
"I'm gonna makeyou come so hard."
And I'm just like, "Uh, yeahbuddy, whenever you want."
- Hello everybody, welcometo This is Not Happening.
I'm your host, Ari Shaffirand tonight it's all stories
Please help me welcome avery, very funny woman,
Miss Kate Willett everybody.
- So I'm gonna tell you guysa story about burning man.
So I went to BurningMan this past year.
Give it up if you've everbeen to Burning Man, anybody?
Okay, some people.
I was skeptical about itbecause I've heard that it's
kinda lame now, a lot of techpeople, but it's actually
really cool, there's a lot ofneat stuff you can do there.
You can dance all night,you can see really cool art,
or you can have anunplanned pregnancy scare.
That is what I did.
So I went out there and Iran into this guy that I know
from home, he's actuallyone of my roommates and,
you know when you run intosomebody at Burning Man,
you basically have to fuck them.
It's like the gifteconomy thing out there.
We decided we were gonnahave sex at Burning Man and
we wanted it to bereally spiritual,really transformative,
really special, but there'snot a great place to have
sex at Burning Man.
We were like, oh whereare we gonna do this?
Because my tent wascovered in dust and glitter
and his camp, they're havinga non-violent communication
circus arts workshop.
We're like, wherecan we do this?
So we decided on the orgy tent.
'Cause we knew thatwould be possible there.
So we go there, we wait inline for a while, and I see
the wheels in my friend'shead turning, you know,
because he's like 24 andI can tell that he's like
picturing this whole scenarioof a bunch of porn looking
ladies being like, "I'mbisexual but mostly I just
"love your dick."
I knew it was gonna be a lotmore ren faire than that.
We walk in there, the firstthing we see is this giant,
bear looking guy.
He's wearing a leatherutility kilt and he is fisting
a woman, he's barking likea dog, he's just like,
"Woof, woof, woof,woof, woof, woof."
My friend looks at thiswhole scenario and he's like,
"I don't even know if I cando this with you here, Kate,
"it's too weird."
And I was like, "You gottastop whining and put out."
Just to be clear, I don'tthink that anybody is entitled
to sex with anybody, but atthe same time, we did wait
in line for half an hour.
So we go in there, we lookaround, we find a spot on a mat,
there's a bunch of peopledoing sex yoga around,
and we start having sex andpretty immediately I can
tell that it's some of theworst sex that I've ever
had in my life.
Like, this guy is makingno effort whatsoever.
It is like freshmandorm kinda stuff.
He's not even trying becausehe's super cute, you know,
and sometimes cute people,they don't really make
that effort for you in bed.
If you want someone to reallykill it in bed, you gotta
go for the short,the fat and the ugly.
Those people are strivingto be invited back.
If you sleep with someonecute, it's just like,
"Hey I've got this dick,so congratulations."
And the whole time they'rejust thinking about how lucky
you are and it's just like ugh.
But this guy, he's like,he's just talking to me
the whole time in thatsuper porntastic way.
He's like, "I'mgonna make you come.
"I'm gonna makeyou come so hard.
"I'm gonna makeyou come so hard."
And I'm just like, "Uh yeahbuddy, whenever you want."
He's like, "Have you everbeen fucked like this before?"
I was just like, "Honestly, no."
He was fucking me like hedid not know that I was
a stand-up comedian.
As a quick little sidenote, he knows now.
So then a few minutes go byand he finishes and I also
finish but not because hewas good at it, just 'cause
I'm a feminist and.
He says to me, he's like,"Oh Kate, I gotta tell you
"something, it is gonnabe a real bummer."
And I'm thinking, yeah, Iknow what this is because
I'm a lady that's had casualsex before and the bummer
is always like, "I'm reallysorry that I can't have a
"relationship with you."
And it's always fromthe worst guy too.
Like women are just sittingin their rooms being like,
"Pleas God, give me aterrible boyfriend."
So like, "Sorry I don'tsee anything long-term."
It's like, dude, no, it'scool, I just wanna, like,
fuck four more times and,if we're being honest,
probably loan you some money.
I am not in this to win it.
So I start getting up andleaving and he's like,
"No, no, no, no, no, Kate,this is a serious thing,
"this is really serious."
So I'm like, "Okay,fine, what is it?"
He's like, "The condom broke."
And I was like, "Oh shit."
That is a huge bummerbecause I definitely cannot
have a kid with thisguy, like no way.
No matter how many crystalshe sells in the spiritual
bookstore, we are notgonna be able to pull it
together to support afam, and I for sure don't
wanna have an abortion with him.
I want you guys to understand,I am not against abortion,
except with him.
It'd be a huge pain in the ass.
He for sure would notpay for half, you know.
He probably would giveme like 20 bucks which I
would know is a lotfor him financially,
but also emotionally.
Then I'd have to be like,"Oh you did really good."
And it's just like Idon't wanna get into that,
We'd go to Planned Parenthoodtogether and we'd be sitting
in the waiting room andhe'd be like, "Oh man,
"this is some reallyheavy karma, dude."
And I would just be like, "Ohmy God, how old am I gonna
"be before I start having sexwith men who call me dude?"
He'd be getting upset and soI'd like feed him some chips
from the vending machineto calm him down.
He'd be like, "I don't evenknow if these are vegan."
And I'd just be like, "Ican't wait to kill your baby."
But I'm thinking this willbe alright, it won't come
to that, you know.
Obviously they're gonnahave the morning after pill
at Burning Man.
Of course they have Plan Bat Burning Man, like does
Burning Man seem like aplace that a lot of people
have a plan A?
So I ask my friend ifhe wants to come with me
to the medical tent and he'slike, "Yeah, I don't know
"Kate, the vibes betweenus are just really not
"chill right now."
So I was like,alright, whatever.
And then I just decide formyself, I'm gonna handle
this situation like themature adult woman that I am,
so I just put on my tutuand got on my bicycle.
I ride to the medical tentand I get there and there's
dehydrated hippies everywhere,super dusty, coming
down from every single drug,and the lady at the desk,
the triage nurse, she haspurple hair and I go up to
her and I was like, "Hey,excuse me, do you have
"any Plan B?"
And she's like,"Oh, what happened?"
And I was like, "Well, Iwas having sex with this
"guy and the condom broke."
And she's like, "Oh no,I'm so sorry to hear that.
"Are you concerned about STDs?"
And I was like, "You know what?
"I'm not really, I don'tthink a lot of other people
"would have sex with this guy.
"I'm a prettyspecial snowflake."
I really am though.
I've let people in my bodythat I would not let inside
Don't get judgy.
Look, love is blind,but theft is real, okay?
She's like, "I'm so sorryto tell you this, but we
"actually don't have PlanB because this is only an
"emergency medical clinicand this isn't technically
"considered an emergency."
I'm like, "Oh lady, we havea huge misunderstanding.
"It's an emergency that Idon't have a kid with this guy,
"To put it into perspectivefor you, before we had sex,
"I had to loan him my hairscrunchy so that he could
"pull back his man bun.
She's like, "Okay, okay.
"Well, I have an idea for you."
I'm like, "Great, what's that?"
She's like, "There isthis woman back at my camp
"who has a spell."
So then I just startedcrying and she's like,
"Okay, okay, here'sanother thing.
"You could go up to oneof the rangers and see if
"there are any feministcamps that are giving out
"tampons or birth control,maybe they would have Plan B."
So I was like, "Great,I'll try it out."
So I leave and I walkaround until I see a ranger,
he's a guy with awalkie-talkie and a clip board
and I just go right upto him and I was like,
"Excuse me, sir, do youhappen to know of any feminist
"camps that are giving outtampons or birth control
"or especially Plan B?"
And then he's like,"Uh, what's Plan B?"
I was like, "You know,the morning after pill?"
And he was like, "Oh, I'mreally sorry sweetheart,
"I don't know about alot of that lady stuff."
So I was like, "Okay, well Iguess that's understandable.
"Just to break it down forya, the basics of what's
"going on here is that Iam ovulating and I am full
"of semen and we have gotto turn this ship around."
He's like, "Oh, I think Iunderstand what you need.
"You know who might beable to help you out is
"camp Beaverton,the lesbian camp."
I was like, "I don't thinkthese lesbians are gonna
"have birth control,they are birth control.
"I'm not just gonna roll upthere on my bike and be like,
"'My sisters, I repent.
"'I promise to write a slampoem about what I learned
"'from this experience.'
So I was starting to panic,I didn't know what I was
I didn't know if I was gonnaget off the playa in time
to get home in that narrowwindow of time you have
to take Plan B.
So I go back to my owncamp and then this amazing
There's this woman there,she's bisexual, but the night
before, she had tripped onacid and on her acid trip
she decided that she onlywanted to be intimate with women
from now on, for therest of the year.
So she gave me her entireunopened packet of birth control
for the month and then Ijust took it and I ate the
Which was plan C.
I'm not a mom, you guys.
Alright, thank you guys so much.