Owen Benjamin - 24-Hour Home Depot

  • Season 14, Ep 3
  • 01/11/2010
  • Views: 14,780

The only people who come into Home Depot at 2 a.m. are people on drugs who think they can build things. (1:49)

I USED TO BE A JANITOR.

I GOT FIRED FROM BEINGA JANITOR, WHICH IS HUMILIATING.

YOU KNOW IT SUCKSWHEN SOMEONE'S LIKE,

"YEAH, YOU'RE NOT -- YOU'RE NOTCUT OUT TO CLEAN MY FLOOR."

I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT."

'CAUSE I GOT CAUGHT SLEEPING,AND, UH -- BUT IT WAS BAD.

I COULDN'T TALK MY WAY OUT OF ITBECAUSE I BROUGHT A PILLOW.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO IT WAS COINED"PREMEDITATED SLEEPING,"

SO I COULDN'T TALK MY WAYOUT OF IT.

SO, I GOT A JOB AT HOME DEPOTIN L.A.,

'CAUSE I LIVE IN L.A.

AND HOME DEPOT --IT USED TO BE 24 HOURS.

IT USED TO BEA 24-HOUR HOME DEPOT.

AND THEY STOPPED DOING THAT

BECAUSE I USED TO WORK THE NIGHTSHIFT, AND THEY REALIZED

THAT THE ONLY PEOPLETHAT WOULD COME IN AT 2:00

ARE PEOPLE THAT WERE ON DRUGS

THAT THOUGHTTHEY COULD BUILD THINGS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

PEOPLE WOULD COME INAND BE LIKE,

"I'M MAKING A CASTLEOUT OF LOLLIPOPS!

[ LAUGHS ]HIT ME IN THE FACE!"

I'D BE LIKE -- DOOSH! --AND HE'D JUST DROP.

AND THEN I GOT FIREDFOR PUNCHING SOME--

I DIDN'T REALLY PUNCH HIMIN THE FACE.

BUT THAT IS A TRUE STORY.THEY USED TO --

THEY'D BE LIKE, "I'M MAKINGA CAR OUT OF TOILET SEATS."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I WISH THEY TAUGHT YOUBETTER THINGS IN SCHOOL,

LIKE HOW TO GET OFF THE PHONEAND STUFF LIKE THAT.

LIKE, I WANT TO KNOWHOW TO TELL SOMEONE

THEY HAVE BAD BREATHWITHOUT BEING MEAN.

YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE A FRIEND THATHAS, LIKE, CHRONIC BAD BREATH,

AND YOU JUST CAN'T TELL THEM?

I FIGURED OUT A WAY TO DO IT.YOU'D BE LIKE --

THEY'RE LIKE, "YO,YOU WANT TO WATCH THE YANKS?"

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "YEAH,AND THEN WE'LL BRUSH OUR TEETH!

"YEAH!

"AND THEN RIGHT AFTER,WE'LL JUST BRUSH OUR TEETH.

"WE'LL GO PARTY.WE'LL DO SHOTS OF MOUTHWASH.

WE'RE JUST HANGING OUT.GONNA HAVE A BLAST."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"

"YEAH!"

YOU JUST SELL ITWITH ENTHUSIASM.

YEAH.

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